


The Rooftop

by mightyfinebear



Category: Chicago Med
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Crushes, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Slow Build, Slow Burn, chexton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2018-11-23 12:59:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11402898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightyfinebear/pseuds/mightyfinebear
Summary: April has just return to work after her TB leave and is ready to dive back in but her first sonogram, proves to be a bigger challenge than work. Elsewhere Ethan is finally coming into his stride as Chief Resident, but an altercation rattles his integrity. Not unlike an angel April is there…April is always there and her presence is beginning to take up space inside Ethan.





	1. “It’s Good to Have You Back”

**Author's Note:**

> *A rewrite of the nightmare non-build-up that became canon.

“Garnet or currant?” April asked looking down.

She was gazing lovingly at the décor board she’d created. Tate wasn’t even looking; he was too busy packing April’s lunch for her first day back.

            “Tay?” April asked again, “Are you even paying attention?” she whined.

            “Oh…yeah- babe-uh whatever you pick is fine,” he said slicing a tomato for her sandwich.

April let out an exhausted sigh.

“I’ve been working on this for the past few weeks; you could at least pretend to care,” she said with a little more attitude.

            “I’m sorry babe, what room is that for again?”

            “For the _third_ time; _the den_ ,” she moaned.

He saw the frustration in her face and hurried over to her.

            “Hey, hey, hey now,” he started, “I love it…kind of odd that all the colors you’ve picked out look like blood,” he laughed, “But I like the garnet,” he nodded.

April blushed with a half-smile.

“It’s a little weird, but I kind of miss the look of blood…I miss the ED,” she lamented.

“Well it’s a good thing you’re going back today,” he said smiling, “I have tuna on wheat and a small fruit salad all packed up for you,” he announced confidently.

            “Hmm…tuna?” April remarked.

            “It’s lucky, it’s what I always ate before a game and I want my little guy to have some luck today too,” he said laughing.

            “Or girl,” she sassed back, “Yeah, luck would be good, but I think I prefer to rely on faith while waiting on science,” April said rubbing the tiny bump under her scrub top.

 

She couldn’t help but grin back at him as he placed his large hand against her swollen stomach. Her pregnancy had come as a surprise but the bigger shock was the active tuberculosis diagnosis that accompanied the news. She’d been quarantined and sent home for a month to keep the patients at the hospital safe. The entire ordeal had been stressful, but every day that she remained pregnant, while taking her aggressive medication, was another day to be thankful. But now it was time to get back to work; with her first sonogram snuck in between her shift. Tate handed her the bag as she got into her car and headed to work.

…

            “April, it’s good to have you back,” Ethan said; greeting her.

He’d walked up next to her as she was putting her things under the standing desk in the ED. April grinned.

            “It’s nice to be back,” she answered enthusiastically.

She could only enjoy the simpatico of the ED for a moment. Immediately the boisterous noise of four hulking men stalked in. A blind man could see that they all knew each other but even clearer was the fact they didn’t like each other. Two of the men were on stretchers followed closely next to them by a pair of men that were keeping the loud exchange going.

            “We have a head lac, perforated ear drum, with contusions to the upper lobe, and impact to the left knee,” the medic quickly rattled off to Ethan.

Maggie led them to the nearest exam room as the next man came in swiftly behind them. The two men on the stretchers looked like they had seen better days and had no need for any more excitement. However, the men accompanying them; without a scratch upon them, were both heated and yelling back and forth.

            “You’re a no-good cheat, but what else do I expect from a lowly Farq like your brother,” the man yelled.

            “Aamir, stop,” his brother grumbled.

            “Your brother is the one that cheated! Couldn’t sneak a bomb in there Sandy, so you had to go for the cheap shot huh?!” the white man walking yelled back.

            “Ike,” his brother pleaded cooly.

            “What’d you call me?!” Aamir hissed as he advanced toward Ike.

April and Maggie were both shocked that neither man seemed to want to stop considering they were in the ED; quite the opposite. They were in each other’s faces, ready to come to blows, when Maggie had to step in and call for help. Ethan was the first to intervene before he could even begin a diagnosis and April and Maggie stood back as he controlled the situation with the help of Jeff and a security guard.

            “Hey!” Ethan yelled, “This is not the time nor the place for this! No fighting!” he commanded.

Ike took a step back, straightened his shirt, turned to Ethan, put his hands in a prayer position and leaned towards him to bow, before rolling his eyes. The gesture was past the point of a microaggression and everyone witnessing it looked disgusted and annoyed.

            “Hey, don’t let that jerk get to you,” Jeff said encouragingly, “There’s more decent ones than bad ones you know?”

He meant well but whenever someone had that kind of advice it always felt like being stung twice.

            “One is too many with guys like that, and there is always one, too many,” Ethan hissed before disappearing behind the curtain.

April felt horrible for him. To serve his country, and continue to give back in his profession; just to be disrespected while trying to help the man’s brother.

            “Imagine that, the two without a scratch on them want to keep fighting,” Maggie grumbled as she went back to the main desk.

April shook her head in agreement and went into the exam room to assist Ethan with one of the fighters. He didn’t have insurance so he had to forgo the pain medication and the extra treatment. The process would be excruciating. Ethan began the stiches while April ran an I.V. and cleaned up his knee after Ethan had drained it. The task of helping a man that cavorted with such an overt racist was difficult for Ethan to stomach. On the one hand, he took little issue with the man’s discomfort, because this was what he did for a living and he would not balk at Ethan’s discomfort as racism seemed to be the air he breathed. However, morally it twisted him up. His Hippocratic oath and his calling to heal. The dichotomy made him feel sick and angry.

It was a comfort to have April assisting him, aside from the fact that she was one of the most talented nurses in their ED, she had to understand his frustration. Her focus and determination were admirable to witness and he used that energy, that model of selflessness, to bestow upon the patient.

It occurred to him that he had always liked that about April. She always did her job like that; even when it was obvious that some of the patients weren’t always so grateful. It was this job that took her away for a month and the job that also brought her back. Admirable.

            “I have to go upstairs in an hour, do you want me to start a line on Cyrus?” April asked Ethan.

            “Yeah, there isn’t much for you to do here since he can’t use the medication…what’s upstairs?” Ethan asked innocently.

            “First ultrasound,” April said with a nervous smile as she rubbed her stomach.

Ethan looked up and smiled. He had almost forgotten that she was pregnant. Her TB leave had been the reason for her absence and the small bump under her scrub shirt was hardly noticeable.

            “That’s right,” he said nodding, “I’ll have Doris or Maggie help me with Cyrus,” he answered looking back down at the stitches.

April walked over to Cyrus’ exam room and began the I.V.; afterward she took his blood pressure, and looked over his vitals. He was stable so she walked over to Ricky’s room and gave Ethan an update. She glanced at her watch. She knew that she needed to check in before the appointment and fill out new paperwork. She could do it at the main desk before heading up. She strolled over to the computer and began filling out her chart.

….

Ethan had finished up with Ricky and was heading over to Cyrus who seemed comfortable but his vitals quickly crashed and it was apparent that his wounds that seemed treatable were dire. Ethan had him rushed up to neuro and then to the OR.

….

April and Tate were elated. They couldn’t wait to see the first pictures of their baby. Because of the high risk of April’s pregnancy her OB did the read out on the baby’s stats.

            “Hmm…,” she remarked not-so-quietly.

            “Dr. Lee? Is there something wrong?” April asked; reading the look on her face.

            “Normally at six weeks we would like to see the head measuring fifteen centimeters your baby is bit under,” she remarked succinctly.

            “How far under?” Tate asked.

            “The measure is twelve,” she said.

            “Is that still within the normal range?” April asked concerned.

            “It’s on the low side, we’ll just keep an eye on it,” Dr. Lee commented.

            “It’s my TB medicine… isn’t it?” April asked.

            “It could be, but we can’t be for sure,” she answered.

April looked to Tate and he gave her a reassuring smile but she could see the worry in his eyes. April knew that having TB was not her fault, but not unlike the baby she was carrying, she felt responsible for it anyway. It had endangered everyone around her and now it seemed like it was endangering the life of their unborn baby; her worst fears were manifesting.

            “What would the issue be with a low measurement throughout the pregnancy?” Tate asked.

            “Anencephaly,” she answered again.

            “Which is?” Tate implored.

            “It’s a neural tube defect. Usually it translates to large portions of the brain of a developing fetus are… missing, there are stages of deterioration and function, but please, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” she warned.

Tate nodded but the wheels were already spinning. The worry and possibility of a child that may not live, or if it did, would have considerable issues with quality of life were playing out in a sick prophetic vision. The appointment ended and Tate walked April down to the lounge to eat lunch. He watched her fiddle with the fruit salad he’d made. The tuna untouched.

            “Maybe if you’d eaten that tuna beforehand,” he joked somberly.

April looked up with a half-smile but the pressure, the guilt, was already feeling unbearable.

            “I need some air,” she lamented.

She got up and hurried outside, but the patio area offered no real refuge from the unforeseen. If anything, it was harsh reminder, as the children’s laughter surrounded her, and then Tate. They were standing outside the daycare facility the hospital provided for personnel.

            “April...should we at least discuss it,” Tate started.

            “There isn’t much to discuss. It sounds like this is yet another waiting game,” April answered as she stared at the slides.

            “April…babe…it’s still early we have some options,” he offered somberly.

            “No! Absolutely not,” April answered; astonished at the request.

            “This is not what I want either! Please don’t misunderstand me,” Tate pleaded, “You can’t stop taking the meds or we lose you…and if you keep taking them we could lose the baby, doesn’t quality of life matter here too?” he begged.

           “Tate…I am _Catholic_ ,” April answered hostilely.

            “You weren’t such a perfect Catholic when we made this baby,” he jabbed back.

            “My faith doesn’t rely on my perfection _Tate,_ and neither should our baby’s chance at life,” she scoffed.

            “Can we at least _talk_ about it...please,” he asked backing off from his anger.

            “As far as I’m concerned there is nothing to talk about,” she answered as her bottom lip quivered.

April hurried in and did what she always did. She sucked up her personal feelings and recited in her head her usual mantra. The passage allowed her to lose herself in her patients, her work, and tuck herself away. It was like putting her emotions in a closet. She’d shut the door and keep them there, and not unlike grabbing her coat, she would grab her issues when her shift ended. However, now it was time to get back to work.

….

Ethan watched from the small gallery as Dr. Abrams performed the surgery on Cyrus to try and get control of the bleed. Unfortunately, the damage was too great and he was left in a vegetative state after the surgery.

Watching this outcome was devastating, but nothing truly competed with that feeling as he went to tell the family; Cyrus’ parents, that man they knew, the child they loved, nurtured, and raised to outlive them was lost forever. He was lost to machines, science, and the brutal reality of a soulless body without consciousness.

It was that frustration and sorrow that gave rise to the anger Ethan felt when he spotted Ricky walking around the ICU looking confused and lost.

            “What are you doing here?” Ethan all but hissed.

            “I wanted-I needed,” Ricky started, a weary confusion in his tone.

            “What are you doing here murderer!” Aamir yelled as he quickly advanced toward Ricky.

Ethan stood between them, annoyed, this was yet another fight that could’ve been avoided if Ricky could have just backed off. Why did he need to see them suffer? What bottomless cruel pathology did he invest in that would require him to watch their pain; consume it with his eyes and ears?

            “Aamir!” a voice commanded from behind them.

It was Cyrus and Aamir’s father. Ethan could not handle three men on his own. But the father did something that surprised him.

            “Come…pray with us,” he offered; his arms extended to Ricky.

In that moment Ethan realized that he wasn’t coming to revel in his destruction but to regretfully marvel at it. To find the piece of humanity that transferred to Cyrus from him in that beating. Ricky’s chin quivered as the two men bowed at Cyrus’s beside. He was consuming forgiveness and it was a meal too rich and too large for him as his tears poured out. Aamir joined on the other side. Ethan felt shocked at the sight and then a little guilty watching the rawness of humanity in front of him. Science could not explain this. It held him there; paralyzed, almost in a trance until April walked up.

            “These are Ricky’s discharge forms and the next tab has the report and notes for Cyrus…is that his family?” April asked somberly as she followed Ethan’s gaze.

Ethan nodded, “They’ve been going at it like this for hours…I’ve never seen anything like it.”

            “They believe prayer can bring him out,” April remarked with a bittersweet hope.

She took the chart back downstairs and assisted on few more cases before the end of her shift.

….

Ethan watched the family until Ricky left. He grabbed his sweater and went up to the rooftop. He needed air; a larger atmosphere to decompress. His comfort and solace was that rooftop. It had been a spot of great contemplation, but solace it wasn’t; a least not now, as he spotted April up there. He took a deep breath and stood next to her.

            “Not a lot of Choi’s where I grew up,” he balked in frustration.

            “Not a lot of Sanguessuga’s either,” April answered cheerfully.

He looked at her; puzzled by the name.

            “It was- or is my family’s name…our real name, but Sexton was easier on the tongue,” she shrugged.

            “It’s amazing what our families gave up, to fit into this place…this world,” he lamented.

            “Not everything, some kept faith and forgiveness...like Cyrus’ family,” April interjected.

            “I have never seen anything like it…it was amazing,” Ethan remarked.

His eyes were lost in the lights of the city as the quick actions and motives of everyone down there made more sense than Cyrus’ family allowing Ricky to pray with them. He looked over to April as the energy he felt earlier had rubbed off again. However, she seemed to have kept none for herself as hers weren’t lost in the randomness of the city, but on something specific. It was like she was watching something play out, for sure of it’s ending, as the characters tried fruitlessly to avoid the inevitable. Sage.

“It’s a good thing our families kept a hold of that faith…sometimes it’s all we have, and all we need so we can get through hard times,” he said reassuringly.

He wasn’t sure what was on her mind but it now seemed like she needed those words. April gave a small nod his direction as her hand rubbed the small bump under her scrub top. The closet with her emotions hung neatly were starting to peek out of the cracks of the door. She needed to keep it shut a bit longer; even as she felt Ethan’s soft eyes upon her. When she looked over he was still staring at her; almost asking if she wanted to open that door and let him in, but she couldn’t. She looked away quickly.

            “Good night Dr. Choi,” April said as she walked from the rooftop.

She took a deep breath in realizing that she had to go home and face Tate. Ethan watched her in deductive observation; wondering what was going on with her. Her first day back seemed riddled with strife and he knew it had to do with that almost unnoticeable bump under her shirt. He zipped up his jacket and headed down the stairs to get his backpack and head home, but not before curiosity ate at him.

He keyed the letters in, slowly and nervously;

A

P

R

I

L

S

E

X

T

O

N

Patient records.

            “Hey, you want to grab a beer?” the voice asked startling him before he hit delete.

It was Jeff.

            “Uh-yeah, yeah,” Ethan answered almost red-faced.

Jeff scrunched his face up at him and the two took off to Molly’s.

 


	2. Home is Where the Fights Aren’t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April must go home and face Tate but it’s easier said than done. Ethan is finally able to return the proverbial shoulder to April.

                        “So, what’s going with April?’ Jeff asked.

He leaned back into his chair. His intense blues eyes interrogative towards Ethan. Ethan looked up from his beer; innocent, wide, and sheepish. He tried but failed at keeping the flush look from his face. He shrugged half feigning confusion.

                        “What do you mean?” he asked.

                        “Ethan…. c’mon you were typing her name in and the last I knew Will was the only non-OB doctor handling her TB case… did something happen? Is she okay…are you?” Jeff asked smiling and as he brought his glass up to his mouth.

                        “Yes,” he said rolling his eyes, “It was long day for everyone, but she just seemed different after her appointment,” Ethan confessed still a little ashamed at his prying.

                        “Why didn’t you just ask her?” Jeff questioned.

Ethan shrugged again thinking to her hesitation as she had allowed him to discuss his issues and challenges of the day while she seemed trapped in hers. Jeff just shook his head with a smile and the two discussed the rest of their shift and how Jeff was doing with medical school.

…

Dinner was decidedly tense as April and Tate ate and did not discuss what he wanted so badly to talk about. It hurt her to think that he was so quick and willing to not give their baby a chance at all. So, they ate in quiet but not in peace. The tension followed upstairs as they got into bed and laid in the dark room; neither asleep.

            “April…babe…please,” Tate finally said.

            “Tay,” April answered pointily at his plea.

Tate sat up and clicked on the light before turning to her.

            “I know it’s your body but there are other things to consider here April,” he said.

            “I don’t see any Tate…I told you no…I don’t want to talk about that,” April snapped back.

            “Fine don’t talk, but can you at least listen?!” he pleaded.

She nodded begrudgingly.

            “I looked up the effects of this anencephaly and it’s serious April, I mean there’s nothing good that comes from this. Our odds of the baby surviving are low with that defect, so say you carry to term but instead of celebrating a life we plan a funeral,” he pleaded.

The worry and stress in his tone and in his eyes made April’s soften as she looked to him.

“You aren’t a parent yet, but I am, I love my son more than anything so the idea of burying him before he buries me is not something I take lightly; just the thought is heart breaking and that is another thing April,” Tate said grabbing her hand and placing it in his, “What about Eric? We aren’t going to live forever which means he will be the one that will have to look after his sister or brother if the baby does make it past all these huge hurdles…this affects all of us.”

April’s eyes had begun to fill with tears. It wasn’t fair; none of it.

            “From the moment, I found out that my TB meds weren’t working because of my birth control thus causing this pregnancy I have done nothing but think about the baby, I was willing to give my life for this child…so no Tate I’m not a parent yet but I still love this baby and I can remember giving you the option of leaving,” April said letting go of his hand as she began to get up.

            “April c’mon I was never going to leave, this isn’t a competition of who loves the baby more, but it is different for me. I’m not carrying the baby, I don’t get the connection of feeling him or her move day in and out, but why am I being made into some kind of monster for not wanting to go through the heartbreak of a very likely death once the baby is born?”

            “As opposed to me going through it now, you’re right Tate, we should save your feelings in lieu of mine,” she whimpered.

April got up and grabbed her pants.

            “April, where are you going?” Tate asked frustrated.

            “To my apartment,” she answered.

Tate exhaled in frustration as she slammed the door behind him; leaving him in bed. She tried not to cry; this was a challenge, and neither of them were wrong but it was ultimately April’s decision. She got in the car and drove to her apartment.

When she arrived, she looked in the fridge to grab some juice but it was bare. April spent all her time at Tate’s and was slowly moving in with him as they merged their lives together. His home was large enough and had a few guest bedrooms she could’ve slept in, but her apartment was home. It was still surrounded with all her things; the things that were her, and she still had another seven months left on the lease. The irony. When the baby was born was when she would be done living here.

            _“I should  just stay here with the baby and not move in_ ,” April thought as she slid her finger over the top of a frame.

She got into bed and true to her condition she was out like a light. Her bladder and rumbling stomach awoke her the next day but her bare fridge was reminder that she needed to head to the store.

She was off for the day and could indulge in a few things. She got in the shower and headed to Mariano’s for a few items. Her mind was trying it’s best to think of light meals and easy quick foods to eat. She hated the idea that she couldn’t return to Tate’s but she couldn’t be there not with all the pressure. She was staring for a long time at the pineapples; thinking of all the meals she could eat with it.

            “I like them with a grilled pork teriyaki and cilantro rice, but they’re also just nice to look at,” he said.

April looked over, snapping out of her daze, to Ethan.

            “Dr. Choi, I didn’t see you there,” she said.

            “It’s me that doesn’t normally see you here,” Ethan remarked, “So you going to buy that pineapple?”

            “Uh-I don’t know….,” April said almost dazed again.

            “Hmm well they say you should smell its butt,” Ethan said seriously.

            “What?” April said with a laugh.

            “Dead serious, if you smell the bottom and it smells like nothing than it’s not ready but if it smells sweet, it’s ripe and ready…like this,” he said picking it up and smelling it.

He moved it over to her and she sniffed it.

            “What does your nose tell you?” he asked

            “It’s smells sweet,” April said with a smile.

            “Then this one is definitely a keeper,” he said handing it to her.

April put it in her small cart and smiled at him. It was nice to see her smile but the joy didn’t make it to her eyes. Ethan couldn’t help but notice. It was the same far and away look of sorrow she had the night before. He still couldn’t ask and he had no idea why not.

            “Thanks Dr. Choi. I’ll let you finish your shopping.”

Ethan nodded. He would’ve helped her pick every item in the store if she needed it. April bought some cereal, eggs, fish, chicken, vegetables, bread, and the beautiful pineapple picked out for her. She needed paper towels and few other mundane necessity items. Her small cart was packed. She got out to her car and popped the trunk; bending down to grab the first bag.

            “Please,” he said.

There again was Ethan he had a hand under the bag already.

            “Oh, you don’t have to do that it’s under thirty pounds…all of it,” April said sheepishly.

            “I don’t mind,” he said.

She looked away, it made her feel a little foolish. She wasn’t a damsel in distress, but it was in that moment as he picked up the bags she saw the rock-hard biceps that often went unnoticed by her mostly because of the fast pace of their profession. He only had one bag of his own in his hand.

            “I’m sure Tate can help you get these in,” he said with a reassuring smile.

Instantly her eyes filled with tears and she looked away.

            “April?” he asked.

            “It’s really no big deal…um thank you Dr. Choi,” she said as she jumped in her car.

April felt even sillier crying in front of him than she had letting him carry her bags. He walked over to her side of the door.

            “I’m sorry did I say something wrong?” he implored.

            “No,” she whimpered, “You’ve been very kind…thanks,” she said putting on her seat belt.

She was trying to hold it together. The embarrassment hadn’t shaken off.

            “This is about your appointment, isn’t it?” he blurted out.

April stopped and looked up stunned. Ethan walked over to her passenger side and opened the door and sat inside. It was bold, a move even he couldn’t have foreseen himself doing but it bothered him to see her this upset and with no one to talk to.

            “I’m sorry it’s just you walked into work full of joy...hope, and then you left looking so empty and I just wondered if it wasn’t because of your doctor’s appointment,” Ethan admitted.

April stared at him before laying her head on the wheel and sobbing.

            “Okay…out,” Ethan commanded, “I’m driving.”

He was surprising himself left and right with her.Through her tears she was able to point to their destination. Ethan used those strong and ultimately valuable arms to bring up all her groceries. She sat on her couch puffy eyed as Ethan put away her perishables. To her surprise he pulled out a knife and cut up the pineapple. Her nose was correct, it was ripe indeed. He searched her cabinets and found a bowl.

            “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked as he sat the bowl in front of her.

            “The baby is measuring on the small side, it could be my TB meds, it may not be, but the risk is anencephaly and Tate…,” she whimpered, “Tate thinks we should terminate the pregnancy...I don’t,” April confessed as she used her fork to toss around the pineapple.

            “So, you don’t even know if the baby has anencephaly… it’s just a worry?” Ethan asked.

April nodded.

            “Well I would say don’t get ahead of yourselves, it’s something to look out for not unlike a million-other diagnosis’ we look out for when someone’s lifestyle, genetics, or even _medication_ is a factor,” he said reassuringly.

April nodded again and absorbed his words. All this grief and they were easily jumping the gun. His advice made her feel better and her stomach reminded her she hadn’t eaten. She swallowed a chunk of the pineapple and scrunched her nose.

            “No good?” he questioned at her reaction.

            “No, it always cracks me up; the almost acidic spiky taste pineapple has,” April admitted.

            “That’s because pineapples are one of the rare foods that fight back,” Ethan said.

            “Really?!” April laughed.

            Ethan nodded seriously but with a smile, “But you have to let it ripen but even then, it still fights,” he said as he laid his hand on her stomach.

It was yet another crazy action he didn’t count on or expect out of himself. She looked down at his hand on her stomach and she blushed. Ethan snatched it away quickly and stood up.

            “Well I should let you eat and go about your day,” he said nervously.

He picked up his bag from her counter. April set the bowl on her coffee table and walked him to the door.

            “Thanks Dr. Choi,” April said as she opened the door to let him out.

            “ _Ethan_ …we’re not at work,” he corrected.

            “Thanks…Ethan…for everything,” April answered hesitatingly.

He nodded and smiled and she turned to close the door. April felt better almost immediately but it wasn’t lost on her that she was standing in her apartment. She’d left Tate and she still needed more time; especially if she was going to save their baby.


	3. How to Make Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April still hasn't returned to Tate's, which is a perfect timing for Ethan to hang around and have a little cultural exchange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little housekeeping; the more that I feel the flow of this fic out the more that I want to add comedic elements. I like a little drama, a little angst, and a lot of awkwardness on Ethan’s part. I like the idea of him being disciplined and focused at work, heck EVERYWHERE else, but he just can’t get right around her.

Ethan didn’t have a curious-case in hell about what he was doing. What in the world would make him try and touch April? He knew better; he’d been taught in his ethics class as well as in medical school and in his internships that you always ask permission before touching a patient, or at least give them a heads up if it was a procedure that had to be rushed. But there was no rush nor a procedure. Or was there? He hadn’t even realized how much he missed seeing April until she wasn’t around and then when she was back he wanted to hear what was going on in her life. Ethan had to admit it to himself; he had a crush.

He also had to admit that he had no clue in hell how to navigate a crush. Ethan wasn’t exactly ugly or creepy. He had never pined over anyone in his life. In fact, it was the opposite.

His first kiss was a little girl in his neighborhood named Krissy. A drive-by confession of love if you will. She ran up and kissed him on the cheek before running away. Girls were gross and weird after that. Until one day they weren’t. Seven minutes in heaven had changed that with Mira Grey. Her braces bumped up against his teeth as they awkwardly found their stride in that basement closet. Highschool was on the base with the colonels’ daughter and all the bases were covered with her. They didn’t think they would see each other again so during the Naval Ball they snuck back to his house.

By chance they would both follow in their father’s footsteps and continue sneaking around until Ethan left for his residency.

In between there were flirtations, unsolicited flashes of concealed body parts by all too eager girls and some very grown women, a few one-night stands in college when he found the time between his rigorous studies and the absolute need for sleep. All in all, Ethan knew what it meant to be desired and to be crushed on and any girl that he was interested in was available and reciprocated his feelings.

But April had a boyfriend, not just a boyfriend a fiancé and a baby on the way. Every aspect of the situation was new territory and Ethan was not used to new territory. Which was probably how he found himself doing crazy things like touching her when he shouldn’t be.

Work was a great distraction and she had been assisting Natalie most of the night. He didn’t know what her case was but later in the evening he would find out.

…

When the creak of the door opened against the howl of the Chicago air April glanced back and over her shoulder; there was Ethan. Ever since running into him at the store that day he was always around or at least it felt like it. With a reassuring smile or walking her to her car at night. But April was keeping everything close to the vest. She was glad to have the company most days. But she always felt stupid for how she was always worried about something. That was the trouble with doctors or men. They worshipped too much at the church of logic; they forgot about the church of emotion. It was a lesser or false god to them so anything of it was preposterous or dramatic. Her face must've been giving this away when Ethan asked;

            “What happened with your case?”

            “The lack of chemo was actually helping the boy’s body heal…he’s going to survive,” she answered; her voice laced with bittersweetness.

Her eyes were back on the city.

            “Um, that sounds like a great outcome,” he said.

            “It is,” April answered succinctly.

            “Then why do you look like someone who had to watch a puppy get hit by a train?” he said with a smile.

April looked over with a half-smile. It was genuine but it didn’t erase her mood.

            “I just feel really horrible…I pressured Natalie to call the police for neglect. I was willing to take that boy away from his father…the only person he had left because of what _I_ thought was right,” April lamented.

            “Well on paper it’s protocol, you’re not a monster April.”

            “I just…I haven’t spoken to Tate in a week because of a decision I felt was right for me and I was so quick to take that away from someone else….nothing is that black and white and for moment I almost forgot that,” April confessed.

She smoothed her hand over the barely swollen bump as she continued to stare over the city.

            “How is that going? Have you found out anything else?” Ethan implored.

It was an odd feeling; a strange tension inside him. On one end, all of this meant that there was a chance that she and Tate wouldn’t get back together and if something was wrong with the baby then that would mean no baby and April could potentially be free. The idea sickened him how selfish he could be for even entertaining it. But he found himself doing it more than he cared to admit.            

 _“No April you’re not a monster…I am!”_ He thought to himself.

April shook her head no. She started to walk away when a wave of dizziness hit her. Ethan tilted his head a little confused before speeding over and placing his hand at her back.

            “Are you okay?” he asked anxiously.

            “Whew, yeah it’s just time to eat is all,” April said with a smile.

She was embarrassed again. A grown woman who seem more like a southern belle with the vapors around Ethan. It was time to get more groceries. The last of the pineapple and everything she bought at Mariano’s were running thin.

            “I think I’m going to finish off that pineapple though,” she said still smiling.

Ethan still had his hand at her back as he walked her down and then towards the elevator.

            “Oh yeah? Still eating up my genius huh?” Ethan said with a smirk.

            “Ha! Right, it just happens to be something I can eat that doesn’t taste like garbage,” April admitted.

Ethan laughed as he continued to walk her out to her car. He opened the door as she got in. The car sped away and he stood in the parking lot until it did.

            “Whoop-chhk.”

A voice came up behind him and Ethan turned around. It was Jeff. Ethan scrunched up his face in the same confused look he’d given Jeff multiple times.

            “Take it from someone who pined over a woman who was not available in every sense….it doesn’t end well.”

Ethan rolled his eyes and the two walked to Molly’s. It was a habit they'd been doing for weeks. Sometimes Jeff would toy with Ethan’s crush. Every time a woman passed and stared at the chiseled jaw line, shapely shoulders, or dimples on the handsome duo Jeff would start the questions.

            “How bout her?"

And every time there was always some excuse.

            “Too short.”

            “Too awkward.”        

            “Annoying laugh.”

It was always something. At this point it was just a game to Jeff that elicited deep laughter from him.

            “Have you ever seen the movie Boomerang?”

Ethan shook his head.

            “Well,” Jeff started, “Eddie Murphy’s character is the classic player. There’s a scene where he sees this beautiful woman walking through the park with her dog, he offers some random guy like a hundred bucks for a dog leash…he starts screaming his fake dog’s name; pretending he's lost.”

Ethan laughed and brought his beer to his lips.

            “Anyway, his little con works and he has sex with her, but then while she sleeps he pulls up the blanket and he stares at her feet and it’s a deal-breaker,” Jeff laughed.

            “He sounds like a jerk,” Ethan said with a smile.

            “He sounds like you!” Jeff laughed.

            “What? I am not that shallow,” Ethan jabbed back with a smile.

            “No one is good enough for you since Vicky, well... there’s one isn’t there?” Jeff said.

            “And this is when I leave,” Ethan said gulping down his beer.

He stood up and wrapped his jacket around his stern torso.

            “Okay Ethan,” Jeff said with a smirk, “Remember…it won’t end well!” he laughed.

Ethan shook his head and walked home.

…

Get in, eat a quick snack, pin up her hair, brush her teeth, pass out. Rinse. Repeat. It had become the ritual for the past week. It was easier than crying herself to bed and lately she had been doing a lot of that too. She was for sure it was partly hormones.

During her TB leave she’d focused on the remodel of the den but being away from Tate’s and thinking about her design board was enough to make her remember that she wasn’t there. Home wasn’t home anymore. Nothing was what it was supposed be and she was back to worrying again.

When the light began to trickle into her window in the morning she woke up like a zombie.Her stomach a constant reminder of single life. She went to the fridge.

One serving of yogurt. One single serving of Rocky Road ice cream. A single four-carton of eggs. Two Ensure, and the last of her pineapple, chopped and sealed in a plastic container.

            “Pathetic,” April said shaking her head as she grabbed the last of her pineapple and the single serving of yogurt.

She’d have to make another trip to the store. Walking around Mariano’s was yet another reminder that she was going to have to get at least another week’s worth of groceries. Another full week of being semi-broken up with Tate. She stood again in front of the stores’ wares trying to decide.

_“Does a single serving mean I’m single? Does multiple mean I’m never going back to Tate’s?”_

She was dazed out at Limoncello or Pistachio.

            “Okay, I’m not sure I can give you any tips on this, even vanilla is the right choice because ice cream, gelato, frozen yogurt, custard you really can't go wrong,” he teased.

            “Dr. Ch-…I mean Ethan, hi,” April said sheepishly.

He must’ve thought that she was a total air-head or on drugs; always zoning out at the easiest tasks.

            “I actually have it down to two choices. I just don’t know what size, the small or the large,” she said with pursed lips tilting her head.

            “I don’t think the large one is a problem at all…it’s not like you have to watch your weight. You’re gorgeous,” he remarked half-dazed.

April turned and blushed a little.

            “I mean-um-to say you know that glow...thing…that you know pregnant women, you…um, yeah.” He said turning beet red.

“Plus isn’t this the time when you get to eat for two?” He asked saving himself from anymore embarrassment.

April smiled at his clumsy wording; it was kind, like he’d always been.

            “I’m not worried about that, it’s just the more I buy the more I feel like I’m not going back to Tate’s,” April remarked staring back at the freezer doors.

The universe heard his name and the buzz from April’s pocket signaled his return. April looked at the phone. Missed call 9:30 am; Tate Jenkins. Ethan opened the door quickly and grabbed the pistachio ice cream carton. The large. April tilted her head again.

            “Okay…but you have to help me eat it,” she said with a smile.

The beet red began to warm his cheeks again.

            “Oh...no this is mine!” Ethan teased.

April’s mouth dropped as Ethan laughed.

            “But if you’re still feeling down, I have a great comfort recipe for that…I could make it for you,” Ethan said looking from the corner of his eye.

            “Alright, my place; 6:30, cause I’m sure I have the better kitchen!” April said twirling away.

…

Ethan went home and took a shower. He was standing in front of his drawer trying to decide what to wear. A jacket? A t-shirt? He had no idea. He was once again in unfamiliar territory and this crush was crushing everything. Earlier it was his ability to talk and now his reasoning skills. He grabbed a t-shirt and scolded himself for being so choosy about something so simple. He collected the ingredients he would need and walked over to April’s. Ever since she’d return to her apartment he realized how close they lived to one another. He must’ve come to the neighborhood after she moved in with Tate.

April was just finishing vacuuming the floor when Ethan arrived. Her home was still clean considering she hadn’t been there; so, straightening up was a breeze. When she opened the door, and smiled the burn returned to Ethan’s cheeks.

Her curls haloed around her head to accentuate her high cheekbones and large doe eyes enlarged and slanted by the copious amounts of mascara. He had never seen her like this.

            “Hey Dr. Ch-, I mean Ethan. Please come on in.”

April was sick of being the damsel. The last time he was here she was sitting, crying her face off over some made up problems that had caused real problems in her relationship. She wanted him to see the normal woman who had interests, who was studious, and resilient.

            “You look glowy-um nice, you look nice,” Ethan said stumbling again.

The dreaded infatuation was crushing his verbal skills again.

            _“Get it together Ethan.”_

“So…where can I set up in this kitchen that’s supposedly so much nicer than mine,” he said with a smirk.

            “Honestly,” April started as she walked him into the room, “I was worried I’d pass out at your house if I ate there,” she admitted with a laugh.

            “I wouldn't mind if you slept with me-or there-or…um it wouldn’t be an issue…,” he said trailing off into embarrassment.

            “What?” April asked confused as she set one of his bags at the counter.

            “Nothing,” he shrugged.

She nodded; looking to him oddly. She showed him where her cooking utensils, pots, pans, and cutting boards were as she sat at her table with a glass of juice. Wine would’ve been nice but the little life inside her was not one to gamble with. Ethan worked in the kitchen, focused and determined to make sure everything was chopped and seasoned properly.

April was a little bored as Ethan was in the zone so she walked over to her T.V. and turned on some music. She was popping through the music channels. She turned on Thalia “Mujer Latina.” She began swaying her hips and walked over to the kitchen.

            “So, what _are_ you making?” April asked as she swayed her way to the stove.

Ethan stepped away from the cook top to reveal the mounds of chopped food and the broth he had turned up to boil.

            “Tteokguk,” he said succinctly.

            “Huh?”

            “It’s a Korean New Year dish,”

            “Is it the Korean New Year?” April asked.

            “Uh-no but it’s supposed to bring good luck,” he said.

            “I could use that…Tate tried that with a tuna sandwich before my appointment...not so lucky,” April said blowing out some air.

Ethan felt awkward listening to Tate’s name and the fact that he was doing the same thing.

            “Better question…what are we listening to?” Ethan asked with a smile.

            “Usted no conozco Thalia, Ethan?” April said with a half-smile.

He smiled back, “Ani, naegahaji anhneunda, April.” He said with his eyebrow raised. 

April laughed, she’d never heard him speak Korean before.

            “I think that was a…yes!” she said grabbing his hand and putting it on her waist.

            “What are we doing?” Ethan asked as he was stumbling over his feet.

            “Samba!” April answered as she swayed her hips and moved closer to him.

Ethan would’ve blushed but he trying to contain every emotion at touching her.

            “Like this, one-two-, yeah you got it…sort of, “April laughed.

Ethan was so nervous. Crush 3, Ethan 0. He tried not to get too riled and the only way he wouldn’t was to focus on her smile and the amount of joy she was in. She let go and kept up with the beat on her own. He watched her twirl and wind her hips and mouth the words to her song.

She danced her way back over to him and put his hand back at her waist. The song switched and a woman with a cool voice that slithered to the ear like butter came on. It was “Corcovado” by Astrud Gilberto.

“Oh man…I love this song,” April said wistfully.

She giggled nervously as her eyes drifted to the same place they did when they were over the city. April slowed down and rested her head on his shoulder.

_Quiet nights and quiet stars_

_Quiet chords from my guitar_

_Floating on the silence that surrounds us_

_Quiet nights and quiet dreams_

_Quiet walks by quiet streams_

_And the window lookin' on the mountains and the sea how lovely_

_This is where to be_

_Here with you so close to me_

_Till the final flicker of life's ember_

_I who was lost and lonely_

_Believing life was a only a bitter tragic joke_

_Have found with you the meaning of existence oh, my love._

           

            “It’s going to be okay...right?” she asked.

She didn’t expect an answer she just needed to say it.

            “Yeah…yeah it is,” Ethan said slowly look over and down to her.

She stared into his eyes searching them for hope and he gazed into hers; hoping for anything to not make him want to kiss her.

            “Your broth is boiling,” April announced quietly.

He dropped his hand from her waist and walked back into the kitchen. It allowed him to collect himself and talk his body down. He finished the rest of the prep and set the food down on the table.

            “This is delicious!” April said as she slurped her second bite.

Ethan smiled; happy that he had managed to execute something flawlessly for her.

            “I do alright, but my grandmother’s is the best,” he said.

They finished dinner and April started the dishes. Ethan insisted on helping because dinner was his idea. Afterward she walked him to the door.

            “Thanks…again…God I always feel like I’m thanking you for something lately,” April confessed with shameful smile.

            “Don’t, it was my pleasure,” he said.

            “Well then we’ll have to do it again…but let me cook this time!” she said.

            “Um yeah that sounds cool, tomorrow?” he asked hoping his thirst wasn’t showing.

            “Yeah, but I was serious about the nap so…I’ll do lunch,” she said with a laugh.

            “Fair enough,” he said.

            “Alright, well good night Dr. Ch- Ethan…good night Ethan,” April said.

            “Good night April.”

April pinned up her hair, put on her pajamas, and true to her condition she was out like a light.


	4. How To Keep Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's April's turn to cook but this time at Ethan's. A fun game with a surprise guest rattles Ethan's cage and Tate misses April.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have been fighting AO3 all day with the formatting (not sure what's going on). I'll go back in and try and make it look the way I want later but I wanted to at least post the chapter.

Ethan could barely hear the knocking at the door. It was hollow and a little weak. Not what he would expect from a pair of nurse’s hands, but when he answered the door he understood. Her arms were full of groceries as she jostled them about. Immediately guilt beset him that she had carried the groceries up the stairs on her own. She had side stepped any attempts at his chivalry.  
     

          “Let me get those,” he said advancing forward.

But April spun and twirled like a ballerina passed him.

          “I got it,” she laughed.

The move let her take in his place. It was nice, not unlike hers but his kitchen was bigger and aesthetically pleasing, probably more so than hers.

           “Alright Dr. Choi, this is a nice kitchen,” she said turning; the groceries still in her arms.

  
          “Ethan,” he corrected her with a dimpled smirk.

With an exhaustive smile; April rolled her eyes. He pulled at one of the bags from her but it caught onto one of the buttons on her shirt; making it to rise. April could feel the cool air whisk up her shirt as she looked down.

  
       “OH!” she shrieked as the button pulled.

For a split-second Ethan saw her small swollen stomach and pink laced bra and it not only aroused him but it made him feel guilty again. That little bump housed a tiny human. Hers and Tate’s.

  
       “Sorry,” Ethan apologized; his dimples now a deep groove of crimson.

April couldn’t keep from laughing. For her part, she thought it was just funny and watching Ethan, a grown man, turn pink was a bit ludicrous to her. It made no sense, after all as doctor, and a soldier he had seen so much more. He’d always came off so collected and assured; especially at work. They had to be, but outside of the job he was almost dorky.

       “Where should I set up?” April asked.  
Ethan was happy to escape anymore embarrassment; Crush 4, Ethan 0.

       “Right here,” he motioned towards his countertop.

April looked around as she got out the potatoes and fish from her bag. Ethan pulled out his cutting board and an assortment of knives for her to pick from. But she had pre-measured and sliced and chopped most of her spices, herbs, and vegetables so she was putting the food together in a speed Ethan had never seen anyone else achieve; aside from cooking shows. She wiped her hands on a towel and twisted around.

  
       “Its gotta sit together for a bit,” she said,          “Show me around Casa de Choi,” she teased.

Ethan swallowed hard as his cheeks burned when April hooked her arm around his.

       “Okay, but there isn’t much to see, it’s a fairly small space.” He admitted.  
They were already standing in the great room, so he showed her his bathroom, and a small space where his boxing bag hung.

       “And is that where the magic happens?” April teased pointing to his bedroom.

Ethan let out an unexpected laugh, “Not much magic these days,” as he pulled the door closed.

      “Hmm why’s that? I’m sure there is someone who would love these rock-hard arms pulled around them,” April was blushing a little now, “…What happened to that doctor?” April asked as she patted his arm.

“Vicky?”

April nodded.  
 

     “She deployed to Germany,” he answered somberly.

     “Oh…I’m sorry I didn’t-,” April said apologetically.  
 

      “It’s fine, really, it’s the life…the one she chose and the one we’re all used to,” he admitted.  
 

      “Really?”

      “Yeah, my dad was enlisted too, we moved a lot,” he confessed.

April nodded again although she felt a little bad. Her family immigrated here but she had deep roots and had been raised in Chicago her entire life.

      “Is this your dad?” April asked.

She had broken off and was in his living room looking at his books and trinkets before stumbling upon a picture of a man in a uniform looking serious; and an awful lot like Ethan.

     “That’s actually my grandfather …my mother’s father,” he said.

April smirked, “He’s handsome.”

Ethan scoffed a bit. He realized he had many of the same questions for her when he was in her home, but the music; and dancing with her, had eclipsed his senses and any ability to form a connection via thoughtful inquisition. In all truthfulness being at her house that night had been exhilarating. Her despair had brought them closer and in-between his awkward moments he could feel a connection to her but he just knew she didn’t feel the same or couldn’t. Not now.

       “I wonder what my grandfather looked like,” April remarked hopelessly.

      “You don’t know?” Ethan implored.

       “No, my mother fell for my father but I guess my grandfather didn’t approve, they married in secret and my dad whisked her away to the states,” April said tracing her fingertip over the frame.

      “Isn’t that the kind of romance women want?”

April shrugged, “I’m sure someone does but Latino and Hispanic families are different…we defer to the men… machismo...it’s a thing,” April admitted, “Anyway three years passed and my mother was pregnant with me and feeling nostalgic. I guess she figured enough time had passed… and my abuela missed her, so they went back. But he’d died that morning.”

     “That’s a cold break,” Ethan said dryly.

      “Yeah she just barely missed him. My mom had walked in the house ten minutes after the ambulance had taken him away…my middle name is Layton…after him.”

  
It was in these little moments that he wanted to pull her in and kiss her. He wanted to feel that closeness; pacify her sadness. To see if it made her lips taste bitter, did happiness make them sweet? This was the irrationality and wonder of a crush. He’d kissed plenty of women to know flesh and spit and mush and lips were lips. But in these tiny spaces of time when she opened the book of her life and he could read those pages. Or even when he had to interpret them; when her body, draped lazily but strong against him as her emotion spilled on his shoulders during the tail end of their clumsy Samba. The color that illuminated around her when she was lost in thought. The irrationality led him to believe that a kiss from her would be different; like unsweetened chocolate or the confection of sun-tea candies.

      “What?” April asked.

Ethan was staring at her, unblinking; falling in love with the potential recipes of her lips.

      “Sorry, um your story it…it’s sad,” he said hoping to save face from his thoughts.

      “It’s life,” she said in an upbeat voice, “I need to check on the food!”

She clapped her hands together and began humming the beat to the music of “Latina Mujer.”

The smell of garlic and fish hung in the air. Ethan loved fish. It was hard to be Asian and not enjoy it. The meal was April’s idea and a common Brazilian dish but she had to admit that the aroma was starting to turn her off. Fortunately the actual taste of the soup was delicious.

     “Well I’m not sleepy yet…kind of shocked,” April laughed as they finished eating.

       “Am I that boring,” Ethan teased.

        "Kind of…,” April started before giggling.

Ethan’s mouth dropped before he joined in laughing.

        “Okay, Miss Adventure, let’s play a little game,” he propositioned.  
He felt some of the confidence return.

       “Hmm…alright but you have to crack out that ice-cream I saw you buy at the store.”

       “Eh, I ate it all,” he answered swiftly.

      “No you didn’t,” she shot back.

      “Yeah you’re right I didn’t but dang…it’s mine,” he teased.

      “I would say tequila or rum but-,” she started before she pointed to her stomach.

     “Shots? It’s two o’clock in the afternoon,” Ethan answered astonished.

      “You want to play or not? I mean all you’re doing is proving you’re as boring as I thought you were,” April teased.

     “You’re on,” Ethan said folding his arms.

     “So what game are we playing?” she asked

    “Interesting how you want to eat ice cream and drink but have no idea what game we’re playing,” he jabbed humorlessly.

    “You’re stalling,” April said.

    “Alright I’ll let you pick. You have a choice of Twenty Questions, Two Truths and a Lie, or I Never,” he announced.

    “College rears its ugly head again,” April started, “Uh...okay um I Never.”

    “And how were you going to fold in this drinking and ice-cream eating?” he asked.

     “Really, you’ve never played I Never?”

     “Fair enough, it’s been awhile, but I go first,” he said putting the ice cream and bottle of vodka in the middle of the table.

Before the first question could even be asked there was knock at the door. April looked over to Ethan. He looked confused as he got up to answer it. It was Jeff. He let him in and he turned to see April and then quickly back at Ethan with his eyebrow raised.

    “Hey Jeff,” April yelled.

     “Hi April…shocked to see you here,” he admitted looking at the table. “What are you two up to?” He asked as he lifted the bottle off the table, “Ethan you wouldn’t be contributing to the consumption of alcohol by a pregnant woman? The bottle warns against it right here,” he joked pointing to the back of the label.

     “These are my shots,” she said using her spoon to tap the tub of ice cream.

      “We’re playing I Never,” April said, “You want to play?”

     “Sure,” Jeff said patting Ethan’s back as he went to his cabinet and got out another shot glass.

     “So, what have we never done so far?” Jeff asked.

     “We hadn’t started yet,” Ethan all but grumbled.

April eyed him confused by his attitude.

     “It was Dr. Ch- I mean Ethan’s turn,” April said.

     “Ooh I can’t wait Dr. Choi,” Jeff teased.

This was all too much fun for him but Ethan was irritated at Jeff being there; poking at his unrequited crush.

     “I have never started one career hoping to do another,” he said antagonizing Jeff.

Jeff poured a small shot and April popped open the top to the ice-cream.

    “Alright Sexton,” Jeff said deeply exhaling to escape the harshness of the vodka down his throat, “What was the other career?”

    “Doctor, Mr. Fireman,” April said.

    “Don’t forget Ranger,” Jeff sassed.

     “Really?” Ethan asked looking at April,

     “What stopped you?”

     “Machismo,” April said succinctly, “My turn!”

     “I have never dated anyone in the same profession as me,” she said laughing at the cheap shot.

     “Not yet,” Jeff mumbled.

Ethan pushed the shot up and into Jeff’s mouth as he took his own. April just looked perplexed. Tate wouldn’t be pursuing a career in medicine anytime soon.

     “Okay my turn,” Jeff said wincing to get the taste of vodka away.

     “I have never wanted to have sex with a pregnant woman,” Jeff announced completely breaking the veil of secrecy.

     “Hey, hold-on!” April started, “Wait, wait, wait, do either of you actually, factually know that?” April yelled.

Ethan; whose face was showing his annoyance at Jeff, began to dissolve at the thought.  
   

    “I mean we don’t show for a while,” April said, "So, drink,” she commanded.

Ethan filled both of their glasses and then turned to April.

     “Are you going to grab a scoop?” he asked.

      “I’m good,” she said confidently.

     “Wow! Now if you say Natalie I might die,” Jeff announced.

April just shook her head and laughed and then looked away.

      "I actually came over to see if Ethan would be up for helping me study a bit, not get drunk, as much fun as this is,” he announced standing up. “But I can see I walked into a trap so I think that’s as much I Never as I can do.”

      “Bye Jeff…quitter!” April yelled as he walked to the door.

Jeff waved one last time as Ethan walked him to the door. He mouthed the words “I’m going to kill you” as Jeff winked and he closed the door.

     “Well I think that I’ll probably have to follow suit too,” Ethan said apologetically.

     “Yeah, I should probably clean up,” April said.

They split dish duty again and April packed up the special pot she used to make the soup. Ethan kept the leftovers as a part of their cultural exchange as she had done with his in her fridge. April got her bag together and the rest of her belongings as Ethan walked her out.

    “You know I was just joking,” April started.

    “Yeah, I know, I mean pregnant women are obviously… gorgeous,” Ethan said looking down, “But I didn’t think you actually thought about sleeping with one.”

    “I wasn’t joking about that!” April said a little offended.

    “Oh!” Ethan exclaimed rubbing his neck and then laughing.

    “I meant about you being boring,” April admitted.

    “Oh that.”

    “The last couple of days have been good, I haven’t had to…you know think too much…so for that…thank you for not being boring.”

    “You’re welcome...I think,” Ethan said laughing at her admission.

    “Bye Ethan.”  
She was half down the hall when he walked out.

    “Hey April!” he called to her.

She turned to see him standing in the middle of the hall.

    “If you find yourself…thinking too much, I have these hilarious B-movies that I sometimes watch…if you know you ever wanted to not do that,” he offered.

She nodded and smiled before turning around and walking down the stairs.  
Ethan stood in the hall as the weight of her words wrapped him, constricting him tighter until the weight was too much. Crushing.  
…  
April walked up the stairs and went to her door. There was a bundle of roses in front. A small card attached.

_**“April it’s been two weeks and I can’t take not seeing you anymore, please call me. I just need to hear your voice, know you’re okay. I love you. Do you still love me?”** _   
**_Tate_.**

April slid her hand across her stomach as the life they created fluttered and moved for the first time. A tiny kick. A single tear welled in the side of her eye. She pulled her phone from her pocket and plopped on the couch. She went to her favorites and pressed the button down for Tate’s number

     “April.”

     “I miss you too and yes I still love you but that’s all I know right now…okay.”

She clicked the end button and placed the phone down and curled up on her couch before the flood of tears started again. When she awoke the roses sat across from her on the coffee table. A reminder of all the responsibilities and indecision that she still had awaiting her. She couldn’t be confined to those thoughts again.

...

Ethan was no lightweight but the heavy potatoes and shots of vodka had him replicating April’s behavior on his couch before the robust knock at the door awoke him. He hadn’t been completely asleep, he had been laying there for the last five minutes deciding if it was worth it to get up or just vegetate more. When he arose to answer the door, he wondered if it was Jeff, part of him hoped it would be so he could ring his neck for his earlier antics but instead it was April.

      “Hey, I know we just hung out…um you know what…I think I woke you. I’m sorry. I’ll go.”

       “No, I was awake just being lazy, come in.”

       “I thought we could try those B-movies…I brought my own ice-cream this time,” she said with a smile as she raised the bag.

He noticed the smile didn’t reach her eyes again. They stood in one of those quiet moments that always made him want to touch her or kiss her. But he knew better, just as he knew why those moments occurred.

      “Tate?” he asked.

She nodded as tears tried to well in her eyes but she shoved them back in her closet and took a deep breath with another hollow smile.

      “C’mon,” he said as he put an arm around her and shut the door.


	5. B-Reel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April is still hanging out with Ethan and avoiding her problems but not for long. Ethan finally has to face that April is unavailable.

Ethan wasn’t joking when he said B-Movies. He had some kind of Amazon-purchased box set of classic B-Movies: King Kong, Attack of The 50 Foot Woman, Attack of The Killer Tomatoes, The Fly, The Ooze, and of course Killer Klowns From Outer Space. When April returned from their lunch they decided on Attack of The 50 Foot Woman. April said she needed to see a woman crushing things.             

             “You don’t need to be fifty feet tall to intimidate people or to get things done,” he said as he set a bowl of popcorn between them.              

             “You think?” April nonchalantly.              

             “Anyone with the nerve to become a doctor doesn’t need to,” Ethan replied looking over to her.

April picked up the remote and hit pause and then turned to him.              

             “Just ask Ethan,” she said popping a kernel of popcorn in her mouth.              

             “What happened? I think all the doctors at Med know you’re extremely smart, and I knew you were intuitive to some of the diagnosis’, but I didn’t know it was because you were studying to be a doctor,” Ethan rambled.

April nodded her head and took a deep breath in before saying,              

             “I was, I was incredibly hectic about school. In high school, I basically never dated anyone because I knew that I wanted to go into medicine…be a doctor, I took every class under the sun and because in undergrad you can choose anything I chose nursing.”              

             “So, you just took to nursing then?” he asked pressing further.              

             “Um-yeah…kind of,” she said grabbing the remote.

She hit play and turned to face the screen. The point of the movie was to run away from her sorrows not dig up old ones to add to the new ones. Ethan just stared at the side of her face. He was waiting for more but he soon realized that that was the extent of the story he was going to get.               

            “Did they even have the term gaslighting back then?” April asked.

Ethan shrugged, “That’s a Dr. Charles question.”              

            “Ugh, her husband is the worst! I hope she squeezes his head open!” April grumbled.

A quick knock at the door paused the movie for the fifth time. Ethan would stop it ever so often to accommodate her bladder. But this time it was for the pizza they’d ordered. It was well into the evening and they paused the movie to nosh on thin crust veggie pizza and tossed salads. April did the dishes with him again and they sat down to finish the movie.              

            “Ooh here it comes, look at the fear in his eyes…you think she’s going to do it?” Ethan asked looking at the screen then over to April.

But true to her form April was asleep; her head leaning against the head of the couch. Ethan stared at her and then a small half smile graced his face. She looked peaceful, not worried about anything, just resting. He wished she felt this serenity all the time. He turned the movie off and gave her shoulder a small shake but not unlike a comatose patient or a passed out drunk she was immovable.               

           “You weren’t joking…,” he whispered to himself, “But neither was I.”

He scooped her up in his powerful arms and carried her to his bed. In the past when he studied with a few girls they would share the bed, but this was April and he still was going at it blind with no map in Crushville. So, he tucked her in realizing that there she was; in his bed.               

 _“That’s probably the last time you’ll see a sight like that again,_ ” he thought to himself before shutting out the lights.

…

The long hall of Tate’s second story felt even more vast then it was. It stretched a few feet every time April took a step; almost like taffy. She could see the garnet color she picked out from the den cascading and flooding the hall. But the den wasn’t on the second story, something was off. April smoothed her hands down the front of her shirt but her stomach was flat. Panic crept in and April wondered how she had managed to skip over the birth of her baby. The twinkling sound of a mobile started and the hum of a familiar nursery rhyme began.

**Hush, little baby, don't say a word,**

**Mama's going to buy you a mockingbird.**

April slowly creaked the door open. Haphazardly walking towards the crib.

 **If that mockingbird won't sing,** **  
**

**Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring.**

April looked down at her hand and her engagement ring was gone.

 **If that diamond ring turns brass,** **  
**

**Mama's going to buy you a looking glass.**

April finally got to the crib; gradually toeing each step to the side of it. The mangled hair, glistening brown flesh, and absent neck of the sleeping babe caused her to shriek. The roof tore open and a fifty-foot Tate used his giant hand to scoop up April.              

      “Are you happy now?” he asked in a booming voice.

Sitting up and screaming only happened in the movies. Instead April flinched so hard her eyes opened to her hummingbird-like heartbeat. Her entire body was glinted in sweat and fear. The morning sun was streaming through the window. She sat up and realized she had no idea where she was. The down comforter was soft and inviting but not hers. She turned to get up and when she walked to the hallway she realized that she was still at Ethan’s.              

    _“Ah man, crashed his evening and his bed,”_ April thought to herself hopelessly.

She’d intruded enough and it was time to get going. But not before using the restroom; it was all definitely just a dream as the tiny bump of a human continued to press down on her bladder.She splashed some water on her face and used one of his towels to absorb the residue. It was more like wiping away what was left of the nightmare. When she opened the door, his couch was bare and he was walking around in his kitchen. April stopped in her tracks. He looked sleepy while he quietly whistled, his bare feet against the tile as he searched his cabinets for whatever he was looking for, his normally coiffed hair; messy, in skater flaps in his eyes. He needed a haircut. But that wasn’t the sight that made April stop; it was the fact that he only had on pants. His smooth olivey-tanned skinned wrapped tautly around his shapely pecs and stacked six-pack. When he yawned and turned the motion highlighted all the peaks and valleys and grooves of his toned back. He was beautiful.              

 _“Why is a man that looks like that single?”_ April wondered.

It was time to say goodbye, she’d eaten up his ice cream, his free time, and now his bed. He deserved his space.              

      “Good morning,” April announced as she walked in.

Through his tired eyes and dimpled smile, he replied;              

      “Morning.”              

      “So…sorry, I wasn’t joking about falling asleep easily,” she said sheepishly.              

     “No problem,” he answered scooping some ground tea into a sift.              

     “Maybe next time I’ll bring the movies to you.”              

     “Oh…I don’t know,” April said hesitatingly.

Ethan stopped and set down the sift.               

     “April it’s really not that big of a deal…I meant it when I said you can stay here anytime you need to.”              

     “I think you said a version of that…,” she laughed, “I’m sorry I keep feeling like I’m taking advantage,” she lamented.              

     “Nah don’t worry about it…we’re buds,” he said while awkwardly but lightly punching her shoulder with a smirk.              

    “Yeah, buds,” she said bopping his shoulder back, “So…,”              

    “Killer Tomatoes tonight?”               

     “Definitely!” April answered.

She walked over to the sofa and put her shoes on before giving another quick wave and walking out. She passed Jeff in the hallway coming out.              

     “Hi Jeff! Bye Jeff!” April giggled has she hurried pass him.

Jeff twirled around quickly unable to come up with a quick quip or even a hello as she slid passed him and went down the stairs of Ethan’s building.Ethan was walking to his bedroom when the tap of the door stopped him.             

     “Did you forget something?” he asked smiling as he opened it.              

      “Well, well, well…,” Jeff teased.              

      “I should punch you for that stunt you pulled yesterday,” Ethan grumbled.              

      “You’d be happy to fight me, you could take me…I mean have you ever seen Tate?! He’s like 6’6 and 280 pounds,” Jeff laughed.              

      “Why would I even fight Tate?” Ethan asked perplexed.   

      “Oh, I don’t know…maybe because you banged his girlfriend!” Jeff laughed.             

      “You’re a child Jeffrey.”

Ethan turned around and put him in a head lock. A crush brings out the worst in everything and everyone it seems. He and Jeff were play-fighting like teenagers.              

      “Okay…mmkay…I give,” Jeff wheezed under his grip.

Ethan let go and let out a sigh.              

          “We didn’t have sex, she fell asleep while we watched a movie and I slept on the couch,” Ethan answered succinctly.              

He walked into his room and grabbed a t-shirt. He started making the bed when he came across a small earring on the pillow. He could admit it did look bad. His bed smelling of coconut and rosewater. Her earring left on the pillow, drinks, movies, dancing, and dinner. From the outside it could look like courtship but it was friendship. If Ethan was a woman they’d be close girlfriends but girlfriends don’t wonder what the other looks like under their clothes. They don’t wonder what the other’s skin feels like against theirs and they definitely do not have to stop themselves from wondering what it would’ve been like to sleep next to them last night. He came out and Jeff was sitting on the couch rubbing the back of his neck where Ethan had it clutched.              

         “So, what do you need now?”              

         “I wanted to see if you were up for a study session,” Jeff asked.

Ethan nodded and plopped down on the couch as Jeff got his books out.

**…**

April hurried in; past the bouquet, past her responsibilities. It didn’t matter anyway. Home, asleep, Ethan’s, it didn’t matter; Tate was always there and so was the risk associated with her pregnancy.

She walked to the kitchen and swallowed her medication before getting in the shower and cleaning up. She sat at the edge of her bed rubbing a heavy moisturizer over her skin, her legs, her arms, and her swollen mid-section. The act made the little life move again. A small quick movement that startled her at first but then she smiled and realized it was these precious moments that should have been experienced with Tate. She needed to call him. Make some form of contact, after all she still loved him; just not their situation.

Morning turned to afternoon and afternoon to evening as a quick nap, a load of laundry, and light reading had April losing track of the time. The knock at the door paused her article in the Healthy Mom magazine she was scanning. Through the peephole she saw Ethan.              

          “Aaaattttttack of The Killer Tomatoes,” he sung in a deep voice.

April laughed and let him in but she had actually forgotten about their plans. Pregnancy brain was a thing and hers was turning to mush. She popped a bowl of popcorn and put out two soda waters for them. Ethan noticed a few moments after she would take a drink she would always adjust her position.               

          “Are you okay?” he asked.              

         “Yes, the baby gets a literal kick out of soda water,” she answered.              

         “Here feel,” she said as she grabbed his hand.

She placed it atop her stomach and leaned over to take a small sip of soda water. A moment later there was the smallest flutter. Ethan could barely feel it but the warmth radiating from her skin was the manifestation of many of wonders he'd had about touching her.              

        “I can’t feel it,” he admitted as his cheeks burned.

April shrugged and she gave his hand, which was lingering a moment too long, a light pat and he quickly snatched it away like a child hiding candy behind it’s back.              

        “So…how do you like this one?” Ethan asked hoping his feelings weren’t leaking everywhere.              

        “I like it, you know for what it is. But honestly…I forgot,” she admitted shamefully.              

        “Oh…well I can go,” Ethan said trying his best to mask his disappointment.              

        “No, no, please...I owe you for taking all the room up in your bed…your house…your life,” she said still feeling the embarrassment.              

        “You don’t take up enough room in my life,” he said as he gazed at her.

For the first time it felt as though she was gazing back. Thinking about what that would look like. Her in his life; taking up space, sharing space. Before either could even dissect what Ethan had said a knocking disrupted them.              

        “Excuse me,” April all but whispered.

She got up, feeling like she was walking from a place in history, a space of time frozen in the moment. Maybe it needed to stay there or not be explored at all.              

        “Tate!” she exclaimed.             

       “It’s not home without you,” he said.

He was holding her décor board up but it had been revised with real life photos of the den that’d been executed. Tate had obviously overseen the project in her absence and it was finished.                     

       “Um…come in,” April said.

Tate smiled but was surprised to see Ethan sitting on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in his lap. The two mirrored each other’s expressions as Ethan was just as shocked to see him.              

      “Tate, you remember Dr. Ethan Choi…from the hospital?” April asked hoping to break up the growing awkward tension in the room.              

      “Yeah…yeah…you helped with Eric, right?” he inferred.              

      “That’s right…um…how is he?” Ethan asked.              

      “Good…good,” Tate said nodding his head but trying to decipher what was actually going on.              

      “Ethan and I have been making our way through the great cheesy horror movies of the past,” April said.

She was trying her best to break up the growing awkwardness but it had taken on a life of its own. Not unlike The Blob crushing everything in its wake.             

       “Cozy…,” Tate remarked, “I always liked a good horror film back in the day,” he started as he looked to the screen, “It was always a great way to get close to the pretty girls.”He still had a smile on his face but his eyes were no longer blinking as he stared at Ethan.             

       “I should probably go,” Ethan announced.

He too, stared at Tate unblinking, stern. His eyes softened upon April. She nodded as he stood up. Ethan realized in the moment that Jeff was absolutely right. Tate was enormous. And even more importantly, “it” most certainly wasn’t going to end well.              

      “I’ll see you later...at work…or later,” April said; verbally stumbling.

Ethan left and with a snap of the door into the hallway he realized it. She was not his, they were only friends, and could probably be nothing more than that. Poppa was home.


	6. He Isn't Right For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's clear that April is going to stay with Tate so where does that leave Ethan? She doesn't know about his feelings for her and he doesn't know what to do with his feelings for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally should've added this to the last chapter and made it longer...eh ce la vie.

“So…do I have something to be worried about here?” Tate asked with a little humor in his voice.

April rolled her eyes as she picked up the remote and shut the television off.              

               “Ethan’s been keeping me company, helping me not think too much about everything,” she admitted.

She sat down on the couch and Tate joined her.              

               “I wish I had someone to do that with because you’re all I think about,” Tate said soberly.              

               “I miss you April, we miss you…Eric asks about you all the time and I don’t know what to say,” he languished.

April’s heart broke at the thought. She truly cared for Eric and when she fled she forgot about the impact it had on him as well.              

               “I’m sorry…it’s just nothing has changed. I still want this baby,” she lamented.              

               “So do _I_. I really hope you don’t think that’s not what I want,” he said emulating her sentiment.

He moved closer to her and put the board down on the coffee table.              

             “Baby, no baby, handicapped baby, it doesn’t matter,” he started as he used his hand to lift her chin to face him, “There is no home without you in it…you are my home April Sexton,” he said.

He pulled her chin in and they kissed. April allowed herself to fall into him, into the moment as the kiss deepened. They stood up; still in embrace and walked to her bedroom.

…

Jeff had been right all along. What had Ethan even been entertaining? To think too deeply upon the question made his skin crawl and he wanted to push those selfish thoughts away. It was more than realistic to be happy for her and still care for her. There was nothing wrong with friendship; if he could figure out a way to curtail his crush on her.This was his train of thought as he sat in the cafeteria eating his veggie burrito; until Jeff joined him.              

             “Hmm… you thinking about her?” Jeff asked.              

             “April? No, we’re just friends,” Ethan quickly answered.              

             “I was talking about that nurse…but…okay,” Jeff laughed.

Ethan shook his head and laughed.              

             “No…no redheads,” he said with a smile.              

            “None?…well how about her?” he asked pointing to a blonde radiologist.              

            “Gentlemen…this game sounds entirely sexist,” Robin announced behind them.              

            “What game?” Connor asked as he trailed behind her; tray in hand.              

            “The rating of women,” Robin answered; her eyebrow raised in judgement.

Jeff and Ethan laughed as Ethan shook his head.              

           “It’s not what it seems,” Jeff said.              

           “Enlighten me,” Robin stated as she sat down.

Connor let out a small sigh and sat down next to her. He knew his girl and she was not one for letting men get away with this type of behavior. But he knew Ethan and he was for sure it wasn’t what it seemed.              

            “I like to tease Dr. Choi here about the perfect woman…you know the one who doesn’t exist,” Jeff said laughing.             

            “I didn’t say one did,” Ethan quipped back.             

           “That’s right because we are measuring her against _his_ perfect woman,” Jeff stated.              

           “April,” Connor and Robin said in unison.

Jeff let out a barrel laugh. And Ethan closed his eyes tightly as shades of pink, rose, and ambrosia bloomed in his face.              

           “I mean…it’s pretty obvious,” Robin started, “I think that the only people more obvious are Will and Natalie,” she finished with a laugh; until she caught Jeff’s face.              

           “Oh…I’m sorry… I didn’t...,” she said.

Jeff smiled and shook his head trying to let her know that the comment hadn’t bothered him but the humor sat like a mask upon his face.              

          “So anyway, I started to make it into a joke and I think Ethan did too because there isn’t anything wrong with those women,” he said wrapping it up.

Connor and Robin nodded.

…

April and Tate were at her second appointment to get the measurement of the baby. Her anxiety was through the roof. The last time they were here it split them for weeks. Tate had promised to be there for her but the guilt was back. Will had joined them this time. He had been asked to by Dr. Lee who had been trying to ease the couple’s minds about the TB meds. She took the measurement.

            “We are completely on track, the head, and weight are measuring in the normal range and everything looks fine,” she said confidently.

            “There is no reason to believe the TB medication is interfering with the fetus,” Will stated just as confident.

April looked to Tate and beamed; he smiled as the weight of world dissipated from his shoulders.

            “See,” April said smiling.

He lifted her hand and kissed it. The appointment finished and April and Tate walked downstairs so April could resume her shift.

            “Everything go alright?” Ethan asked coming up from behind them.

He was trying his hand at the platonic friend. The one that didn’t daydream about her smile, her laugh, her face-

            “Yeah, it’s all good,” Tate said with a smile.

He bent down and kissed April and walked out.

            “See don’t jump the gun!” Ethan said with a smile.

He was trying too hard. Watching Tate kiss her was like watching him make-out with his own grandmother. It kind of sickened him and he hated it. Hated the thoughts associated with it.

_“Maybe if she wasn’t with Tate. Maybe if she wasn’t pregnant.”_

He tried to shut them down and finish his shift in peace. To enjoy April’s newfound sense of security and impending happiness.The shift was somewhat slow. Ethan had to stay into the night but April got off and Tate was outside to meet her.

            “I want to take you home…can I do that?” he asked with a half-smirk.

April nodded and they went back to the sprawling mansion and crawled into bed. April missed his large bed, exceedingly high thread-count Egyptian Cotton sheets, and silk pillows. She was just starting to enjoy it when her phone buzzed and an urgent text came in from the hospital for her to return to work. She looked over and Tate wasn’t next to her. She flipped her lamp on and found a fresh pair of scrubs.

            “Hey, hey, hey,” he started, “Where are you going?” he asked as he wrapped his arms around her small frame.

            “I got to go back into the hospital,” she said with a longing smile.

            “But you already worked a full day,” he remarked.

            “It happens, they need me…I’m used to it,” she said giving him a quick peck.

He plopped on the bed defeated and frustrated and she bent down to grab her pants.

            “Do you think it’s wise…you know the baby?” He practically hissed in frustration.

            “I told you…pregnant women work all the time-,” she started.

            “-Even those with TB?” he quipped back but he grabbed her wrist.

            “The doctors said my TB medicine wasn’t interfering…I thought after the appointment today you got that,” she said.

            “I just worry alright, I made more than enough money. You don’t need to work.”

            “Well stop. I’m good. The baby is good. I work. It’s who I am,” she said before pulling her arm away and huffing off.

April could feel the tears welling in her eyes as she made her way down the stairs. Her eyes burned on the drive over but she sucked it up before leaving. At least the anguish. The anger hadn’t stopped.

            “I’m going to work if I want to work,” she grumbled, “I’ll never stop,” she said to Maggie as she headed to a patient’s room.

Maggie shook her head as Ethan walked up next to her.

            “April’s back?” he asked.

            “Yeah, and bringing some Tate drama with her,” Maggie practically mumbled as she walked away.

After she stabilized the patient she and Will were working on she came out to order a set of labs.

            “Back again huh?” Ethan asked.

April looked over and nodded with a smile. She finished typing and brought her hand up to massage her wrists. The doctor eyes on Ethan immediately darted to the action.

            “Did you hurt yourself?” he asked; not remembering any incidents on her shift earlier.

            “Oh…,” April remarked.

She was embarrassed. She hadn’t realized Tate had grabbed her wrist hard enough to bruise it. She darted her vision away from Ethan who was putting together another story in his head. His mouth twisted in disgust and he finally shattered the silence.

            “Did he do that?”

            “It wasn’t like that…I know that’s what those kinds of women always say but-honestly, Ethan it wasn’t like that,” April said still baffled by the marks.

            “Sexton I need you!” Will shouted.

April nodded and took off and away from the conversation. Ethan stood there simmering with anger. He couldn’t understand it. First this guy put pressure on her to have an abortion and now he was leaving bruises on her. An issue of control was more than evident to Ethan and he was over watching it; hearing about it.

The shift ended rather peacefully; if one could count the reprimand of a drunken resident and three teenagers whose lives had been irreparably damaged by drugs. The sun came up on Gaffney and another shift was down. But outside stood Tate with a bundle of roses and a bigger bundle of apologies.

            “I’m sorry,” he said as she took the flowers.

She put the bundle to her chest and the act made his eyes look at her wrist.

            “Oh god…did I do that?” he exclaimed in horror.

            “I know you didn’t do it on purpose,” she said.

            “Oh babe…I am so sorry…. Let me make this up to you, let’s get away,” he begged.

April nodded and then her eyes went wide.

            “I forgot my phone! I’ll be right back,” she stated as she flew back into the hospital.

She hadn’t noticed Ethan watching her as she walked inside and then got caught up talking to Doris. It gave him a chance to slip outside and confront Tate. He didn’t hold back; didn’t even mess with pleasantries he just came out with it.

               “Why did April have those bruises on her wrist?” he asked sternly              

               “Excuse me?” Tate answered caught off guard.             

               “I think you heard me.”

Ethan was easily a foot shorter than Tate but he stared him in the eyes unafraid. Situations like these allowed for the confidence Ethan had, to easily be projected. He may not have always been able to get his act together around April but being a coward or a pushover was not who he was in the face of danger or the invitation for courage.           

               “Unintentional, sometimes I don’t know my own strength,” Tate answered ashamed.

Ethan gave a stiff nod still unblinking.              

               “I care about what happens to her Tate,” Ethan stated.              

               “We both do, in the same way, don’t we?” Tate said; a soft accusation.             

               “You ready?” April announced strolling up.              

               “Yeah babe, we probably won’t see very much of you this weekend since we’re going out of town huh Ethan?” Tate stated.

Ethan gave a tight shrug still not blinking at Tate.              

              “Bye Ethan,” April said trying to break up the growing tension.

Tate put his arms around April’s shoulders.              

             “C’mon, I’ll let you scramble me some eggs,” she said with a giggle.

Tate leaned down and kissed the top of her head and they took off and were quickly out of sight. Ethan stood there as the realization finally sealed his fate; the crush he was underneath. She was not his girl and was never going to be his girl. A small flame of anger ignited in him and in that moment, he embraced it as it merged with his courage and his stoicism. This was where he would pull from for now on. It was all that was left for him from this crush, this unconsummated relationship, this love.


	7. How To Lose Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter is here and no one embodies it more than Ethan, as he decided to put his feelings for her on ice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why but the formatting for this fic is a nightmare. The spacing is off and it will not copy from my documents the way it used to. So that's why it's not double spaced and the quotes are wonky. I am open to suggestions but I'm starting to wonder if it isn't a the new Windows that's the culprit. Ce la vie.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, when walking downtown the fury of those winds swirling about can make one think that’s where the name originates, but it’s not. It’s the flighty, flaky, politicians. Whose allegiances and commitments could change with a gust of wind; and no one was embodying that more than Ethan Choi.  
The winds of change had blown in a chill to signal the beginning of winter; and Ethan’s demeanor matched its coolness. He was back to the stoic, focused, military man everyone knew and respected. But he also let his friendship with April blow away too. After he watched her walk off with Tate he let his crush walk away with her too. It wasn’t that he didn’t still feel deeply for her or wonder about her at night when he was alone. It was that he knew that her life was headed in a direction he couldn’t really follow. He couldn’t check in on her like he used to so instead he started unchecking off all the imperfections of the women he’d harshly judged.

Throughout the weeks there wasn’t a redhead too short, a lovely radiologist too awkward, or laugh from a blonde at the end of the bar too annoying to endure. Crush 4; Ethan 3. It all helped him to get his focus back to behaving as a single man and more importantly off April. He casually avoided her calls and answered her with one worded text messages. But they still worked together.  
                “Hey Ethan, Noah was asking me about maybe trying to get together to study with you and Jeff…I could maybe help too,” April suggested.  
                “Oh… yeah tell him to call me anytime,” Ethan answered as he started to walk off; his hand in his pocket his finger fiddling.  
His answer hadn’t really addressed her offer. This was how he played it. Close to the vest and dodgy.  
               “Um, so Tate is getting together with some old teammates and friends to go out for his bachelor party this weekend, I thought maybe we could try another one of those B-movies,” she offered.  
She looked expectant, but Ethan avoided her eyes, he found he could keep his crush at bay if he avoided them. So, they shot to the ground. He used the distraction to rack brain as if he was thinking about his plans. Really, he was just thinking of a lie; an excuse to not entertain his crush.  
               “I can’t …I have date on Saturday…,” he answered.  
April should’ve expected that answer. It had become an excuse almost all the time. Nothing about their time together suggested he was such a lady’s man. He wasn’t supposed to be dating, he didn’t date, right? Or at least that’s what it felt like with him. But then she thought to the gladiator-esque body that she’d seen in his kitchen and him being single didn’t make any sense either.  
                “Wow… another one…anyone I know?” she quizzed him with an awkward smile.  
                “Uh no, I’ve got to start my shift so…,” he said still avoiding her eyes.  
He swiftly walked past her and into the heart of the ED. April could feel that there was something off but the more thought she gave it; the more she thought about why, or even how she felt about it, the more it made her feel uncomfortable. She and Tate were happy, their baby was healthy, and their wedding was in two months at St. Augustine’s. Life was perfect, and she had everything she wanted.  
…  
The Chicago wind blew in more than cold it also blew in a one of the worst blizzards the city had seen that winter and with it came the snow to shovel, salt in the streets, and sadly slick roads. Which meant a busy ED.  
               “Damn, it’s really coming down,” Tate observed with a mug of cocoa in his hand.  
When he turned April was putting on her jacket. He froze and then started in.  
              “No way, absolutely not!”  
              “Tate there was a major car wreck, a pile -up, and the hospital needs all hands-on deck,” April explained as she hastily looked for her snow boots.  
              “They need their pregnant nurse to risk her safety and that of her unborn baby to get on this dangerous road and help?” He pleaded as he set his mug down and walked towards her.  
              “Tate, how many times are we going to do this? I mean if I don’t make you happy…-,” April started.  
              “-You don’t get to do this every time I disagree with your hours, this is a legitimate concern, it’s dangerous out there and you just finished a twelve-hour rotation yesterday!”  
              “We can argue about it or you can help me shovel the driveway,” April said as she laced up her boots.  
              “That’s not happening, sit down,” he grumbled.  
He went outside and ten minutes later he came in and handed her his keys.  
             “Take the Escalade, it’s safer than your little Honda.”  
He helped her into the truck and gave her kiss.  
              “Please be careful.”  
              “I always am,” she answered with a smile.  
              “I meant with my car,” Tate teased.  
             “Shut up,” April replied humorously.  
…  
April slipped into the ED and she arrived just in time too; Dr. Latham and Dr. Rhodes were giving the rundown of triage directives. Not moments later the first crash patients began swamping the ED and it was time to roll. Times like these were hard to get too caught up talking or worrying about anyone which is why almost half-way through her shift April realized she hadn’t seen Ethan or Jeff. She learned they were the first to get out there, mostly because of their experiences in other jobs and the military.  
…  
The loud explosion of the of gas turned fire ball was engulfing the sedan; but the screams and smells of charred flesh seem to rise faster than the smoke. Ethan helped to pull the man out of the car as they got to the ambulance. Jeff would’ve helped but the trail of blood leading to the woods had caught his attention and it had him following the path to a woman; pregnant and unconscious.  
Chaos and cold ruled the streets and unfortunately it would follow to the ED. When they arrived the triage team immediately dismissed Ethan’s patient as Jeff and Dr. Wheeler treated the pregnant woman.  
          “His injuries are too severe, and his outlook is certain, supplies are needed elsewhere Dr. Choi, make him comfortable and move on,” Dr. Latham announced calmly, and succinctly before strolling away to determine someone else’s fate.  
Ethan felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. This was not him, this was not his credo, not his mantra. April helped him put in a IO in on his hopeless patient before Dr. Latham reprimanded him. April wanted to console him and say something quickly, but she was being pulled in every direction. Helping Dr. Halstead set a young boy’s hips, administering meds, and bandaging wounds. But none shook her quite like the impromptu delivery for the young black woman Jeff had found. April stayed calm and cool and helpful; doing her job but seeing the woman completely unconscious as she missed one of the most important moments in her life flushed April with anxiousness. It reminded her of the dream and the impending doom of uncertainty.  
While taking the baby upstairs to the NICU she couldn’t help letting her mind wander to her dream; her nightmare. To missing the birth of her own baby. When she got the little guy settled she hit the lobby.  
…  
It was like there was almost no one around and it seemed like time was moving in rapid succession everywhere except for Ethan and his patient. A large man burned throughout most of his body; his prognosis was definite. It was death. But there was Ethan like the little engine that could trying his best just to keep the man alive long enough to see his wife. Everyone else was running around making hard decisions, bandaging, treating, consoling, and helping people left and right but he stuck with that man as his health descended. April was too busy to walk over and speak to him, but they caught each other’s eyes quickly. He let his eyes linger a moment too long as they fell to the floor again. His control was wavering.  
          “Are you married?” the man managed to ask weakly.  
Ethan shook his head no.  
         “I looked that same way at my wife when I saw her the first time after a long trip,” he continued, “It’s cold…,” he observed.  
         “You’ve lost a lot of sensation in your body because your nerves are dead…damaged from the burns,” Ethan answered somberly.  
Ethan then had to explain to him that his body would begin shutting down around him and he would need to be put on a ventilator.  
         “I won’t be able to speak,” the man realized.  
         “No, but when your wife gets here I will remove the ventilator… you’ll be able to say goodbye.”  
Ethan did his best to absorb the burgeoning sadness in his tone and the emotions overwhelming him. He began hooking the patient up to the ventilator.  
They stood there as the unspoken of his fate expanded and contracted with each breath he took; ironically aided to him by Ethan.  
Mortality; life, these things were so friable, fleeting, and cruel. No man would ever be present for his own death but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t watch death glide to his front door, sit next to him, and then cradle him until his final breath. Ethan would have to play that role and it wasn’t what he signed up for when he became a doctor. They could do more to make him comfortable, but the supplies were low. He just sat there withering away and Ethan was absorbing every ragged breath towards his deterioration. His helplessness a casual reminder of everything he was running from; mainly his feelings for April. His helplessness at not being able to be with her. What he would give to just be able to say what he needed to. Show her how he felt; a kiss.  
…  
“Tell Dr. Choi we need the ventilator April,” a doctor called out.  
April nodded stiffly. She hurried still in nurses’ mode; really ED mode, but softened momentarily to propose the question.  
        “Dr. Choi, they need the ventilator,” April stated.  
        “He just needs a more time!” Ethan snapped back.  
He’d never raised his voice to her, sure there were times of stress in the ED when strain or even urgency was felt in their tone, but this was different. April; slightly startled, slanted her head concerned. When Ethan’s eyes met hers, the anguish was brimming; threatening to overflow, and so were his tears. He was adamant about not stopping when the weak movement and will of his patient tapped his hand. When Ethan looked down the man’s eyes said it all.  
        _“You tried, and thank you so much for doing so, but I’m ready…it’s okay.”_  
He blinked not wanting the tears to drip but they did when he removed the ventilator. The monitor went flat seconds later. He called the time of death. April stood in the doorway watching the passing. Life in the ED was like this. She had brought one life in and moments later watched another slipped away. Ethan almost looked ashamed at tearing up in front of her, but it was really the shame he felt at taking his anger out on her.  
April carefully took the ventilator and hustled to give it to the next patient in need. They wouldn’t see each other till the end of the shift. She went upstairs as the woman whose baby she helped deliver was awake. It gave her so much joy to see them reunited as she placed him in her arms.  
        “Soon April,” Jeff remarked behind her as he put a hand on her shoulder.  
April smoothed her hand over her swollen stomach. She was showing more these days; finally, and with barely four months to go she would be having this moment of her own too.  
They walked out of her hospital room.  
        “I can’t believe you found her, it really could’ve went the other way,” April observed.  
        “I know it was lucky! Jeff started, “What do we say around here, ‘We got the win?’” he asked.  
        “Exactly…well not everyone did,” she answered as they both stopped at the hospital loading zone and saw Ethan talking to Sarah.  
        “I was glad to be back in the ED,” Sarah stated.  
Ethan raised his eyebrow towards her in surprise.  
         “You can fix people’s bodies but their minds…whooo,” she remarked with a smile.  
If she knew sometimes you couldn’t fix their bodies and it was the minds of those who tried that were taxed she might’ve had some nuance to her words. Ethan just nodded. He realized there probably wasn’t much anyone could say over his feelings of failure and melancholy over his night. He headed up to the roof to be alone. April watched and headed to the computer station to grab her coat and talk to him.  
The air was cold, frigid, and crisp against Ethan’s face, but his stoicism acted as blanket; draping him. The creak of the door wasn’t heard over the wind.  
        “You should have a jacket on,” April stated softly.  
He turned, and his eyes softened a little at her concern, but he couldn’t let himself play with those ideas anymore and he was in no mood emotionally to battle his day and his feelings for her. He slid his hand in his pocket; fiddling his fingers.  
       “I’m sorry for being so curt earlier,” he started.  
       “Don’t be, you know maybe-,” April began before he cut her off.  
      “-But if you don’t mind…I’d actually like to be alone,” he finished and then turned around.  
April conceded and turned to the door. She turned back to him wondering what had happened to them; to their friendship. She realized maybe there wasn’t as much there as she thought. This was second time she felt like she was walking away from a moment in history; a snapshot in time that could easily open another universe if she pressed him further. Instead she turned just as he turned to watch her pass through the door and down the stairs. He felt like he was doing the right thing for himself; he wasn’t in a place to handle things so avoiding them was working out.  
…  
Tate had an amazing tailor who’d custom made all his suits and a large portion of his clothing. Standing at 6’5 and over two-hundred pounds the man had a presence for sure and none other than when he was in a suit.  
       “Dang, look at you!” April observed.  
Tate did a twirl for her as he strolled over to the side of the bed she was sitting on the edge of.  
      “So, what do you guys have planned?” she asked.  
      “Drinks and appetizers at this lounge Rakeed booked, and then dinner at some poshy spot and then a little gambling,” Tate answered.  
      “Hmm…no women?” April probed with a smirk.  
      “I said no dancers or strippers, but Ra’s a mess, so I can only hope he listened,” he laughed.  
      “Hmm,” April remarked with pursed lips.  
      “And what about you…no plans with Eeeethan?” he teased.  
      “Why are you saying his name like that?” April questioned with a perplexed look.  
      “Oh, c’mon babe,” Tate began.  
     “-C’mon what?”  
     “You really don’t see it?”  
April shook her head with the same curious smile.  
     “It’s whatever…soon you’ll be Mrs. Jenkins and then we will have little Jenkins number two and everything we want,” he stated as he bent down to kiss her.  
April smiled while she ran her hand over her stomach; she watched Tate leave. She sat there thinking about her plans for the evening and even more so about what Tate said. She zoned out on the thought as she sat on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in her lap watching a Hitchcock film. It was the closest to the theme she and Ethan had started. She then thought to him.  
      _“You don’t take up enough room in my life.”_  
She shook off the memory. It was ridiculous; especially if his behavior recently had been any indicator. However, she had to admit that she wanted someone to hang out with; so, she texted Noah.  
**_“Wanna come over and keep me company?”_** she asked.  
**_“I can’t, I’m studying with Dr. Choi and Jeff and then in about an hour I’m going to meet Tate for some gambling and maybe some girls,”_ ** Noah responded.  
_**“Some what?”**_  
_**“Nothing.”**_  
April placed her phone down and thought about Ethan’s excuse. Maybe his date was cancelled.  
…  
“Noah, you may want to focus more considering you’re leaving early,” Ethan reprimanded.  
Noah looked up from his phone and set it down.  
      “Sorry Dr. Choi, I have this bachelor party later and April,” he said casually as he tilted his phone up.  
      “What about April?” Ethan asked but he kept it neutral.  
He was doing a better job these days looking as though he didn’t care.  
      “Ah nothing she was just seeing what I was up to, usually she highlights whole sections of my textbook for me…so I think that’s what I’ll ask her do tomorrow,” he answered as he closed his books.  
Jeff just silently shook his head with a smirk as he wrote on a piece of paper next to his medical book.  
Noah thanked them and then took off.  
      “Man, that guy is unbelievable sometimes,” Jeff observed after the door closed.  
Ethan just shook his head. He wondered why April would even want to help him especially if she he had enough skill to be of assistance to a medical student. She could be using it on herself.  
Before he could really ruminate on it he put it to the back of his mind. Jeff was watching him play the mental gymnastics via his eyes.  
      “Have you talked to her at all?” he asked.  
Normally Jeff teased him relentlessly but even he had noticed the change in his personality. How he had quickly gone from a lovesick puppy to hardened bachelor bedding different women in and out his apartment.  
      “No, I mean why would I?” he asked as if the months earlier hadn’t happened.  
      “Hey…I get it. I gave Natalie space cause I needed it more than anything, but we’re at least civil. We actually got together the other night to toast Jeff’s birthday, it was good for us because we were all _friends_.”  
     “Well…good for you,” Ethan remarked genuinely although it came across a bit passive aggressive.  
     “I’m just saying; there’s a way you know?”  
     “I think my way is working fine,” Ethan answered succinctly.  
Jeff looked back down at his book and shook his head. Ethan went back to writing questions for him. The room fell silent as the scribbling from their pens occupied the space. Outside the Chicago winds howled and swirled as coolness flowed through the city; through Ethan.


	8. Be Careful What You Wish For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April has gotten used to Ethan’s distant behavior and she’s normalized the loss of interactions between the two. Unfortunately, it won’t be the only loss she suffers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So formatting is still a nightmare lol. I apologize if some of the sentences are seven million inches between the other. But I've been working furiously to finish this fic. We have 9 days until the Season 3 premier and I really wanted this to be finished by then so we can just roll it in and forget about the nonsense canon gave us. I have, I think, two maybe three chapters tops to go and a bonus one shot after the party because ya'll know I'm trash! <3

There are days that one can track exactly what happened; all because of one event. She remembered that she decided on eggs instead of cereal for breakfast. April remembered perfectly squeezing the last creamy mixture of her favorite conditioner from the bottle as she smoothed it over the ends of her curls. She remembered the way the water sounded as it rushed over her swollen stomach; smacking the shower floor. The toy transformer Eric left on the floor; it was the last thing she saw before she walked upstairs. The very last feeling was always the moment before bed. Like clockwork she would feel the foreign and fun feeling of the little legs and, elbows of her growing baby. A thankful reminder of how far they’d gotten.

The simplicity of a perfect day. A memory of the last happy day.

Little did April know, this would be the last time she would ever feel the baby move.

…

Ethan’s distance had been felt and read loud and clear. The two passed each other with a stiff nod here and there but they rarely spoke. Noah saw him more than April anymore. Maggie had quietly slipped back into the role of being April’s go to. Mostly because she wanted to be her midwife. They talked birthing plans and when she confirmed that it was onto names. April’s pregnancy was a surprise, her TB was a surprise, even Tate’s proposal was a shock. So, she thought why not one more. They’d decided to not learn the sex of the baby, but Maggie was adamant.

            “So, I am onto J, Jeremiah if it’s a boy and _Jacinta_ if it’s a girl,” Maggie pitched.

            “Hmm, Jeremiah Sexton-Jenkins…,” April nodded in agreement, “I like it.”

            “So, it’s a boy?!” Maggie asked excitedly.

            “Or Jacinta Sexton-Jenkins,” she teased.

            “You like torturing me, don’t you?” Maggie sassed.

            “A little,” April laughed, “But hey if I can wait twenty more weeks so can you!” April exclaimed with a smile.

April was charged with overseeing the waiting room for the day. It was like splitting duties with Maggie, but she’d gotten comfortable with taking on the responsibility. It felt like another new horizon for her. She would be married, a mother, and maybe career wise one day she could be tapped to head the ED.

She scanned the waiting room looking for the name of the next patient she called out. It was in that action that made her eyes fall upon a young woman. Hopeful at each announcement but wary in the face when her name was not the one picked. April gave her an apologetic smile and promised it would be soon, but soon still wasn’t soon enough as the woman named Melody began to collect her things.

            “It was probably stupid of me to think I could squeeze in on my lunch break,” she confessed.

Melody leaned over to put her shoes on, when April noticed they were off to begin with.

            “Your feet hurt?” April asked.

            “Yeah, they’ve been swelling a lot lately,” she answered.

Normally this would be a stupid question posed to a working woman; all their feet hurt, but lethargy and flu-like symptoms were worrying to April. She knelt to look at Melody’s ankles. They were swollen alright, but soft when she pressed her thumb against them.

            “Pitting edema,” April observed, “Listen, please stick around a little longer and I promise we’ll get in you in.”

Her concern convinced Melody and she stayed until she was admitted. Elsewhere in the ED Ethan was working Natalie. They’d admitted a paraplegic with an infection of mysterious origin. The case was interesting and engrossing to Ethan as an ex-combat vet and his fascination with infectious diseases. He and Natalie were so busy running tests and trying to figure out why the man had a strange cluster of foreign stem cells in his back, so he hadn’t thought much about April. He passed her a couple of times and the two didn’t even exchange a nod. He had finally gotten his vibe across and they were practically back to square one. He thought maybe soon he could attempt to talk to her again. Hopefully smooth over his avoidant behavior once his crush was properly extinguished. When exactly, he didn’t know, and more importantly would there be a friendship to salvage? It wasn’t something that had even crossed his mind.

When April passed Ethan, she was for sure he was just as focused on his patients as she was but, she couldn’t get the excuse he had for not hanging out last Saturday out of her mind, or all the women who seemed to be around constantly; pushing her to the side. It was back to the thoughts that made her uncomfortable. She finally called Melody’s name and helped her into a room. Will was almost as alarmed as April at the woman’s age and symptoms. Immediately, Will heard a crackling sound in her chest and her blood pressure was dangerously low.

            “I don’t understand? Heart failure,” Melody said, “I walk instead of taking public transportation, eat healthy, I go to spin religiously,” she continued.

April nodded, “Hopefully we’ll get you back to those spin classes,” she remarked.

Melody nodded in agreement and then slowly closed her eyes, soon the machines monitoring her were blaring and April was on her chest performing compressions.

Will shocked her twice before a weak pulse brought her back. She was immediately wheeled to the CATH-lab.

            “Good call April, help would’ve not gotten to her in time if she’d went home,” Will commented.

April nodded again; receiving the compliment, but she was worried about Melody. She was so young, barely had any time in the world, and her heart of all things was failing her. It was just so backwards. April wanted to wait until they got her a room, so she could find out her prognosis, but her ultrasound appointment was approaching.

            “Because of the TB Dr. Lee likes to see me once every two weeks,” April said to Maggie as she collected her bag and grabbed her sweater.

            “Well we’re fine here, you can leave afterward,” Maggie stated; observing the slowness of the ED.

April nodded and jumped on the elevator to the upstairs. It had been become a familiar routine. April would hear the muffled heartbeat as Dr. Lee would take pictures measuring the baby’s head and body. Everything after that first ultrasound had been going swimmingly; until now.

The expectant sound of the muffled beating just wasn’t there. It halted any further assessment of the baby. Confusion set in first. Was something wrong with the equipment? Then panic and fear as April studied the micro expressions in Dr. Lee’s face; her eyes. Eventually she pulled the tool gliding across April’s abdomen off and soberly stated.

            “I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”

April spoke three languages fluently and none of them could help her understand Dr. Lee’s words.

            “Wha-,” April started, “Check again…please,” she begged.

Dr. Lee’s face held no hope. That had been exactly what she’d been doing for the last five minutes as the harsh silence floated in the room instead of the beat of a tiny heart. None of it was making sense, but it didn’t stop the reality, as painful as it was. April had almost made it out her first trimester and because of that fact miscarrying naturally was not likely or safe.

            “We’ll need to schedule a D&C. You know the nurses up there; we could do it today,” Dr. Lee stated as she put the ultrasound tools away.

The finality in her words were almost too much to bear. April’s eye welled with tears and the emotional whiplash hit her again. All of this would be done and scheduled and executed before the days end. How in the world had life become this quick burst, of color, and magic, and then fade almost immediately?

            “I need to get back to work,” April started.

Dr. Lee’s stern disposition melted, “April no one would fault you for not returning to work.”

            “There’s a patient I’m worried about… but I’ll schedule it, end of the day; first thing in the morning at the latest,” April stated as she tried fruitlessly to dry her tears.

She quickly grabbed her things and practically ran out of the office. It wasn’t to Melody; not yet, it was towards the cafeteria. She wasn’t hungry, in fact food was the last thing on her mind. But she found what she wanted and paid for it even quicker than she ran from Dr. Lee’s office. She hustled to the restroom and set her bag on the counter before the hiss of carbonation escaped her soda water. She quickly took a swig as the bubbles burned her throat and violently went down.

Denial.

The baby had loved the effervescence of soda water and always sent a playful kick or rapid movement over its excitement of the beverage. But nothing. She desperately gulped more down as the water leaked around the corners of her mouth and dotted her shirt. She waited a moment. Nothing happened. She went to grab the bottle again, to down the last of it, but it was empty.

            “Ahh,” she screamed as she threw the bottle across the bathroom.

Anger.

She used the counter to keep herself up as she loudly sobbed as the last crumble of hope forced her into the inevitable. The baby was gone. How she would have savored that final kick she felt last night in bed if she knew it would be the last. Was that it’s goodbye? When did it happen? How? Why? Questions were the only reality as the rest of the world was surreal right now. She stood up and cleaned up her face before walking to hospital lobby. April needed to make sure she was not tethered to anymore loss today.

            “Hey how’d the ultrasound go?” Maggie asked optimistically.

            “All good,” April answered convincingly.

            “Any news on Melody?” April asked switching the subject.

She hadn’t even thought about why she lied or how she would present the truth in the next 24 hours when she was no longer pregnant, and visibly showing, but she knew that she had to help; April could not do helplessness. She couldn’t sit in it too long.

They knew she needed to be admitted but they kept her in the ED until a room was freed up.

            “Is there anyone I can call for you?” April asked as she sat next to her.

            “My parents are divorced and I’m the only child so…could you just sit with me?” Melody asked.

 

April would’ve said yes anyway but it was her eyes that really got to April as it stirred the feelings of loss. If Melody was about to lose this fight, then she would not lose alone.

…

She sat with Melody; her own emotions held with tissue paper, tight, but fragile as the tears endangered her composure minute by minute. She eyed the monitor intently as Melody drifted to sleep. She could do this; she could stay with her. She could make sure this heart stayed beating. Melody wouldn’t be alone. It was such cruel irony. Technically neither had her baby. The little life had been cradled in her womb; deep inside her; safe, but ultimately alone. Alone listening to her heartbeat as its own slowly slipped away. No one there to tell it to keep going. Everyday had been gift; they had fought so hard to get there but it wasn’t enough. She had fought Will when she was worried the TB meds could harm the baby, she fought Tate to keep going with the pregnancy, wrestled with her own guilt of keeping herself alive even when it endangered the baby, and she had begun to fight Dr. Lee to keep searching for life inside her womb. She fought and lost. Not with Melody.

…

Will came back with the conclusive results. Melody would need a heart transplant or;              

            “Or what?” April quizzed him.              

            “There’s a treatment but-,” he started.               

           “-But what?” April asked pressing him further.              

            “It’s not tested, there’s a lot of unknowns and I don’t like the unknowns.”

The ghost of Jennifer Baker was holding Will back.              

           “Isn’t it worth the risk, the option? She may not survive another cardiac event,” April pleaded.

They presented Melody with the option and she looked to the trusting eyes of April. She knew, she’d flirted with death earlier in the day and she was afraid of another taste, so she said yes. Will was nervous; scared even, but he approved it and April sent it through the IV. They waited with baited breath and slowly Melody’s stats went up, her heart performance steadily began to climb. Will excitedly look to April and she smiled back. A win; finally. They walked out of her room as Will's mood soared on the outcome.              

           “You don’t look happy,” he noticed.

Her smile barely carried to her cheeks; let alone her eyes.              

           “No, I’m happy,” April answered less convincingly than before.

Will nodded, taking her word for it and went back to monitor Melody. April took a walk around the hospital; up to the pediatric wing to look at all the babies.

…

It was said that death could glide to a man’s front door but what about a child’s crib or a mother’s womb? Death hadn’t just visited April; she was carrying it, as it sucked the life from her well of hope. She felt like a mist of plague being around all the joy of the children’s laughter. She spotted Dr. Wheeler doing tricks for some kids in pediatric oncology. She went up one more floor; the maternity floor, and saw the handful of babies up there; bundled and safe as family and friends marveled through the glass. The harsh reminder of how much room death was taking inside her. She went back down to the ED and called upstairs to schedule her D&C. Goodbye would be today.

…

Maggie didn’t try to look for it, it was just there. April’s name being typed into the screen along with the saddest abbreviations she could’ve anticipated next to it. She finished what she was doing and raced downstairs.              

           “April,” Maggie called out.

April didn’t have much more to draw from, the well of hope was dry and her emotional energy was tapped cleaned.               

          “I saw your name…for a D&C?” Maggie stated confused as she stepped towards her.              

          “Dr. Lee…she couldn’t…we didn’t hear,” April began to crumble.

Maggie pulled her in and for a moment April almost lost all control as the tears formed and fell from her eyes. But with the introduction of Maggie knowing it would soon need to be shared with others. April wanted to be strong; for Tate, for Eric. She couldn’t lose it again like she had in the bathroom. So, most of her anguish sat numb inside her.              

         “What do you need? What can I do?” Maggie asked going into work mode.              

         “Can you call Tate for me? I need to get ready…for…it,” April choked.

Maggie nodded, and April got on the elevator to head to a procedure room. Maggie walked over to the phone and called Tate. She was doing her best to keep it together, but tears fell from her own eyes over the awful sound Tate made through the phone. It was the same sound let out by April in the bathroom. A raw, guttural noise. Older than the invention of words; a sound so stripped down of pleasantry and manners it would crumble the very core of any human when heard; not unlike a roar among lions. She began to wipe the tears away when Will came up next to her.              

           “Everything okay Maggie?” he asked.               

           “No, Dr. Halstead it’s not,” she answered.              

           “Is there anything I can do?” he asked helplessly.              

           “Yeah, um- the medication April’s on doesn’t have a reaction with doxycycline, does it?” she asked.              

           “Um- no but why would she need that, that’s normally given to treat infections,” he started, “Does she have one? Why wasn’t I on contacted on this?” he asked.              

           “Isn’t it often used for chlamydia, Rocky Mountain Fever, rosacea and after D&C’s or with amoxicillin to fight off infection or possible infection,” Jeff stated as he walked up.

He was proud of the studying he’d done over the course of the last couple of months with Ethan. Maggie watched Will put it together.              

          “Oh no,” Will started, “That’s too bad,” he finished shaking his head.             

          “What is?” Jeff probed.              

          “April’s baby, it’s gone. Listen, this just stays here for now, we need to let her do this in her own time okay?” Maggie instructed.

She took off towards the elevator hoping to facilitate any questions April may not have had the courage or strength to answer with the staff upstairs. Tate arrived moments later, he tried and failed to hold his composure as he saw April curled up in bed. Maggie hugged him and then left the room. April felt groggy over the sedative she’d been given but it didn’t do much but numb some of the increasing emotions sitting beneath her guilt. She couldn’t help to feel it again. Even as Tate held her hand supportive as her feet sat in the stir-ups her eyes toward the ceiling. Guilt was beginning to build inside of her. Stacking as she heard each instrument click against the surgical tool table. The last large blow coming from the sucking sound of the machine that was pulling death from her womb.That machine took a piece of April with it, her child, her heart, her hope and even though she didn’t realize it at the time. It was taking the spirit of her relationship to Tate.

…

A couple hours passed, and April was cleared to leave. They sent her home with a small bag of information, some post-partum pads, and grief counseling brochures. They rode the elevator down and almost like a soldier being laid to rest; Will, Maggie, and Jeff stood in an unintentional line as she walked by. Their heads hung in sadness for the couple. April just stared ahead dazed and traumatized. Tate gave a small conciliatory nod Maggie’s way before they disappeared through the automatic double doors.              

          “What’s with the parade?” Ethan jokingly asked Jeff as he strolled up.

He meant it in jest but no one was in the mood. Remembering Maggie’s words and seeing the broken wills of two people was enough.              

          “Not now man,” Jeff answered before walking away.

Ethan furrowed his brow and headed to the lounge to collect his things. He didn’t realize it, but a lot of hopes had and were ending in that moment. Things he’s wished for.

**_"Maybe if she wasn’t pregnant.”_ **


	9. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April hastily returns to work; still and raw and grieving which is no place to be dealing with a completely out of the loop Ethan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally not going to lie these last chapters were written really quickly because I got super busy but I wanted to finish before Tuesday! Editing is basically a joke at this point...sorry lol

The briskness of the wind was enough to make one’s face feel like it was going to fall off. Gloves, hats, scarves, and the classic North Face jacket were used to combat Chicago’s chill; and of course, coffee.That’s where Ethan found Jeff. He joined him in line right outside the hospital; waiting for the warm beverage.              

      “Guess we had the same idea,” Ethan observed over Jeff’s shoulder.

They hadn’t hung out in about a week. No beer, no studying, no pestering. So, for once Ethan found himself initiating contact and conversation. Jeff was staring across the hospital campus; at what or who it was unknown.             

    “Earth to Jeff,” Ethan joked.             

  “-Oh, hey Ethan,” Jeff answered; snapping out of the haze momentarily.              

   “What’s going on with you?” Ethan asked.             

   “I’ve been thinking,” Jeff started as he handed the vendor cash, “Wondering really, about what I’m doing with my life,” he finished.              

   “What do you mean? You’re training to be a doctor; competing for a residency spot, right?” Ethan questioned.              

“Yeah but why…for who?” Jeff started, “Life is short, and you never know how much time you have; I want to make sure I’m using mine in the right way…the right place,” he finished cryptically.He casually watched Natalie cross the campus with a smile as she caught up to Will walking in.            

    “Are you dying? That’s a lot of life or death talk,” Ethan teased.              

    “No,” Jeff said breaking his stern gaze, “But life is not promised.”

**…**

Elsewhere April could not stop trying to grapple with that exact sentiment. It wasn’t promised; just teased. Hope for her had just did what it always did; bred eternal misery.               

    “April! April! April! Look what I made!” Eric announced rushing to her with a sheet a paper flapping in the wind.              

    “Wow! What’s that?!” April asked enthusiastically.

The toddler sat on her lap; marveling at his work.               

    “That’s me, daddy and you!” he said brightly.              

    “That’s beautiful! And what is this? Is that the sun?” April asked.             

    “No that’s the baby… she’s watching us!” Eric said with a smile, “She’s goin’ come down from where she’s hiding after the wedding, so we can be a family.”

The wind had been knocked out of April. Tate stopped what he was doing to walk over. The large man bent down on one knee.             

    “Eric, we talked about this…the baby isn’t coming back. Not now, not after the wedding…never,” Tate stated; his tone laced with bitterness and misery.

The tears would’ve began but rage and guilt kept them at bay within April. Tate stood back up and finished grabbing a few toys. That’s what he’d been doing. He was packing a bag for Eric to stay a little longer with his mother. She had offered in their time of grief. Eric jumped off April’s lap but he turned and whispered.              

    “I know she’s coming back.”

He scurried off in the way toddlers do; his thoughts and motivations propelled by the sounds of faux explosions and his imaginary cape behind him. He wanted to be April’s hero, but this wasn’t that kind of story. When guilt and anger didn’t fill her numbness and emptiness were waiting patiently to take over. The physical emptiness of her womb allowed for board of those feelings; where life was vacated. All those moods felt useless. They did nothing to placate the pain. The sun was not coming back. Tate got Eric’s jacket and hat on before fitting himself in his outerwear.            

       “I’ll be back after I drop him off,” Tate stated; but his eyes didn’t meet April’s.

He hadn’t been able to _really_ look at her after the D &C. They shared one moment of connection before the procedure, but neither of them could barely speak, let alone eat or comfort the other. His helplessness was apparent, and April refused to feel the same way. As soon as the door hit she got up and went to the bedroom to put her scrubs on. She had to be of service it was better than sitting around

.…              

     “April…sweetheart what are doing here?” Maggie asked astonished.              

     “I need to work, I can’t just sit at home…things between Tate and I are…different,” she admitted as she tucked her coat and bag into the small compartment under the nurses’ station.              

      “Are you sure?” Maggie pressed.              

      “Absolutely, put me to work,” April answered robotically.

Just then through the doors a young girl and her mother rushed in.               

      “Help us! Help my daughter please! She can’t breathe!” The woman yelled through her heavy accent.              

      “On it!” Ethan yelled.

The paramedic rattled off the symptoms of pre-treatment given. Without realizing it April was next to him translating the Spanish the woman was speaking to her daughter.             

      “We speak English,” she said.

She told Ethan that she knew her daughter had a valve issue in her heart and that she would need surgery; she’d been having trouble breathing during their flight over.              

      “I’ll page Dr. Rhodes,” Ethan stated after they got the little girl stabilized.

Connor came down and confirmed the mothers’ diagnosis and that her daughter indeed needed surgery. It was evident the little girl was afraid.               “

     “¿Cuál es el chocolate favorito de tu mina de caramelo? (What is your favorite candy mine is chocolate),” April asked the little girl with a smile.

Her voice, speaking Spanish, was like velvet to Ethan’s ears’ he only glanced at her for an instant without letting it in. He didn’t want to indulge in memories of her speaking or singing in Spanish; swaying her hips to music in his head. Immediately, one of his hands went to his pockets, twiddling his fingers. He had this patient to focus on and that’s what he was going to do until he noticed the sweat on her mother’s brow.              

       “Ma’am are you okay?” Ethan asked.              

       “Y-es, just worried, it’s been a long day,” she answered unconvincingly.              

       “With all due respect you don’t look too good, we could do a quick examination-,” he started.             

      “-No! I just need to freshen up, is there a bathroom I can use?” she asked nervously.

April nodded and led her to the one-roomed public stall for visitors, but she didn’t leave. She was just as worried for the woman’s state as Ethan was. Seconds turned to minutes, much more minutes than one may need to be in the bathroom and the sounds of lurching and vomiting were echoing throughout the small room and passing to April’s ears outside the door. She shook her head and continued knocking. Finally, completely concerned, and convinced there was something medically wrong with Sumira April called the custodian to unlock the door. But the pounding had been heard by Ethan and Jeff. They quickly rushed over; ready to act. April put her hand up. Woman to woman, she stated;              

      “Just give me a second.”

April slid in and let the door close behind her. Sure, enough Sumira was vomiting but the violent retching sound was from what she was trying to get out. Small blue knots of bulbous material bobbed at the top of the yellow bile in the toilet. Immediately April knew; it was drugs, Surmira was a mule.             

        “Please,” Surmira begged through her rushed breath, “It was the only way I could help my daughter.”

April nodded; ready to conceal the crime as she let the woman flush the bags. But then she clutched her chest as she couldn’t conceal the pain.              

       “She’s OD’ing!!” April yelled.

Ethan and Jeff rushed in and they immediately got her to a gurney and then to a bed in the ED. But even her impending death was not enough to scare her from the threat of the police. April finally pleaded with her to let them remove the last balloons, so she could live; for her daughter. Ethan had other plans. The entire ordeal had called upon an old demon of his; judgement. Early on in his enlistment he found out that drugs, opioids in particular, were the goods used to finance the Taliban’s regime. When he returned home so much of the gang violence was from territory; drug territory. He’d seen enough violence and death brought on by the very contraband Sumira smuggled within her. His choice was clear. She had to be turned in.

…

Sumira’s daughter’s surgery was successful and she was wheeled upstairs to see her. As harrowing as the events were it warmed April’s heart to see them together. They had what she didn’t; hope.              

      “We need to talk to Goodwin,” Ethan stated to Jeff and April quietly.

April’s shoulders slumped at the idea of ruining someone’s second chance. It was one thing for forces beyond one’s control, but it was another to entirely go out of her way to destroy it.              

      “No-,” April said coldly and succinctly right before they got to Sharon’s office door.              

     “What?” Jeff and Ethan answered in union.

They both spun around to look at April.              

     “She wasn’t trying to sell it she was trying to destroy it!” April said in a forceful whisper.             

     “Smuggling is a crime regardless and we’d be committing one if we don’t-,” Ethan argued.              

     “-Right now, it’s a victim-less crime; why are we making her situation worse?” April interrupted.           

      “We’re following the law April.”               

     “She did what she did to help her daughter; I would do the same for my child!”              

     “Well you don’t have a child yet, do you?” Ethan hissed back, “It’s not up for debate,” he announced before opening the door.

Jeff’s eyes closed tightly as Ethan’s words rang through the hall. It would’ve been another sucker punch, but April was at work and she didn’t want to crumble in front of her colleagues.Ethan’s jawed clenched and he found his hand back in his pocket fiddling with his fingers.             

     “Well one pouch does not demonstrate intent to sell…were there more?” Sharon asked.              

     “No,” April answered defiantly.

Jeff, still floored by Ethan’s’ attitude towards April, decided to side with deceit and ultimately with rationale.              

     “No,” he answered in support.

Ethan turned and looked at both of them and then lightly scoffed.              

     “Alright,” Sharon started, “Good thing too, we’d have to call Homeland Security; the DEA, this place would’ve been crawling with G-Men.”

She looked back down and went back to work on her computer. The three slowly walked out of the office. April let out a sigh that it was over until Ethan turned and snapped.          

    “Don’t ever put me in that position again; either of you,” he hissed.             

    “Ethan-,” April began quietly.              

    “- _Here,_ it’s _Dr._ Choi,” he finished before storming off.

That was it. April had no idea what the shift in his personality had been, but he’d made it clear. They were something else; but friends, that was not it, at least not anymore, not here.

…

Ethan still felt flustered by what he said, but he was angry. How could she do that? How could she put him in that situation? Make him think one thing and then do another? It wasn’t fair. He was still grumbling in his head over it when the door to the lounge swung open and Jeff charged in.

    “Man, just back off,” Ethan griped.

   “I didn’t come to apologize Ethan, I know it was wrong, but I’d do it again,” Jeff swiped back defiantly.

   “Then why are you here?”

   “That was out of line back there!”

   “You both put me in a dangerous position, it could’ve cost me my job; all of our jobs!”

   “I understood where she was coming from, it was over, and there was no more evidence! All we would’ve been doing was complicating an already complicated situation, April understood that; she put herself in that mother’s position,” Jeff pleaded.

    “Well, I’m sure as a soon to be mother it was easier for her. I don’t have the luxury of letting my maternal emotions rule me!” Ethan fired back.

    “And neither does she!” Jeff yelled.

    “What are you talking about?”

Jeff shook his head and scoffed.

   “April lost the baby a week ago, I’m not even sure why or how she’s here,” Jeff said shaking his head.

Ethan just looked confused as he shook his head.

     “You’ve been trying so hard to stay away from her, not notice her, you didn’t even notice when her life fell apart.”            

Jeff picked up his bag from the floor where Ethan’s proverbial jaw was sitting and walked out of the lounge.

If Jeff only knew. Ethan felt his heart race and his stomach sour. His mouth watered excessively as he barely made it over to the garbage to throw up. Those thoughts had literally sickened him as he sat over the can thinking about the energy he put out into the world. The thoughts he had that had become his reality and now her nightmare.

 …

 April thought work would be a refuge from her pain. A place to heal but it was fraught with conflict too. Her relationships felt so shaky; fragile. Home wasn’t really home anymore. This was the second time in a short span of two months that she was back on the outs with Tate. But this fight; this struggle had no name. A nameless child, a nameless pain, an uncertain future.She just wanted to lie down but that wasn’t going to happen. Just as she opened the door she heard him.              

      “Where have you been?” Tate asked.

His deep voiced boomed throughout the empty house. When April turned his eyes went wide then narrowed at her in frustration.              

       “You went to work?!” he said almost accusingly.

April just stood staring at him.              

       “How much more is that place allowed to take?” He asked as he stood up.

His eyes said it all. They were still unable to meet April’s, but she met his. His anger over their loss, but more anything; his blame. He walked silently upstairs leaving April downstairs; to answer the door. She’d barely had a chance to hear it.             

       “Hey, I got your favorite,” Noah said with a sincere smile.             

       “It’s not a good time Noah,” April said.

She hadn’t taken the box from him. He stood in her doorway staring at his big sister feebly.             

      “April, I don’t know what to say or do…I don’t know if anyone does but…I’m here…okay,” Noah said quietly.

His eyes were sincere. He harbored no judgement, anger, no expectations and for the first time in a week April let go and Noah caught her. He tightly wrapped his arms around her allowing her to unpack her pain as she sobbed in his shoulder. They prayed together, and he left the box on her counter. April curled up on the couch. Sleeping apart from Tate would soon become the norm.

 


	10. How To Reunite Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, because so much of this fic is centered around a re-rewrite of canon I think it’s fair to say we all know what happened during Monday Mourning. I don’t really want to write about Wheeler in this too much but wanted to focus on what could’ve happened after Ethan visited Jason’s body in the morgue and April broke up with Tate, so this is the focus of this chapter.

Ethan had done his best all day to try and keep everyone focused. Relying on his field experience; foolishly not realizing it was this mode of emotional exercise that had led him to not being able to deal with his PTSD. He had been too focused, too robotic, and it almost caused him to misdiagnose a patient. When he finally made himself face Jason it was the disappointment he felt at not being able to help. He had been so aloof recently, not just with April, but in a way to everyone. If there had been any signs from Wheeler than he would have missed them. He missed everything lately. Jeff was distant, Noah was preoccupied with April, and April had lost the baby. He was so ashamed at the thoughts he had about her pregnancy and even more so at how he’d treated her.

…

The chaos of taking shifts to do compressions on the little boy who fell in the river was enough to take April’s mind off the falling resident. It was extremely sad; but it almost disgusted April. The death of her baby was too fresh and the thought of someone squandering their life was too much to stomach. Keeping this boy alive was taxing and listening to his parents; his mother mostly, unapologetically blame her husband had pushed April to a stark reality. Noah arrived moments later to relieve her, but instead of rest she went to find Tate. Sliding off that beautiful six carat diamond ring he gave her made her feel as though she was handing him what was left of her guilt. She didn’t have to shoulder it because she wouldn’t need to tip-toe around his anger.

            “I hope you find everything you’re looking for,” she said sadly.

            “You too,” he answered genuinely.

April still had her twenty-minute break from compressions, so she used the last fifteen minutes to head up to the roof. She was letting the scenery swallow here vision; so much so she hadn’t noticed that she walked up right beside Ethan

This was still their spot. He had gone up there to try and put himself in Jason’s shoes. To think about what he thought about before ending it. He was agitated to say the least.  April may not have noticed him, but he noticed her.

            “I don’t want to talk about it,” Ethan stated succinctly.

            “I didn’t offer,” April hissed back.

She just scoffed and headed to the door. She really hadn’t planned on discussing the last piece of happiness she had in her life going away. She was numb. No more pain could enter because there was no room left inside her for it. She was pain incarnate and there was almost no one to turn to; least of all her supposed friend Ethan.

After her shift ended she went back to Tate’s and quietly packed her things. Noah had offered to help so he went back for some of her larger belongings with a group of movers.

…

It was finally time to mourn. Sure, she needed work, or she thought she did but being around all that loss was too much. She had barely had a chance to process her own, and then, of course, there was Ethan. He had become a strange source of ire; where once he’d been a place of refuge.

 Most days she sat on her couch staring at the wall. Sometimes silent tears would fall over everything she lost; all hope and possibility being stolen like a thief in the night. Her future certain and bleak; and almost none of it within her control.

Noah came by often. He had comfort food from their parents at first, but the demands of his internship soon turned the visits into study sessions. Not long after Jeff oddly followed. They hung out mostly; then they’d study and then write down everything they couldn’t answer or were fuzzy on. Jeff was always floored at what April knew and could fill them in on.

…

After the blow-up with the drug mule Ethan and April had remained icy. One night they had to work together on a patient who was another source of dispute. Although time had helped to heal some wounds for April her faith in God and attachment to Catholicism could not let her be okay with those that casually gave their lives away. This patient had a nasty fall with a fractured skull and a brain bleed. He’d signed an advance directive because he knew his life was going to end from ALS.

            “Please, I beg you, reconsider this,” she said softly.

The man looked upon her with remorse and kindness.

            “A couple of months ago I had miscarriage and if I could even have the little amount of time you have; just to have a month… a moment, just one with my baby I would’ve. Isn’t it worth it?” she asked heartfully.

             “They say if you’re going through hell to keep going…cause I guess you’re supposed endure until you find the other side…well I say bullshit. If you’re going through hell you need to find the door that got you into it and run like the wind through it. People who think there is redemption from pain are either fools or sadists. I’m sorry about the loss of your baby but…I got to live a life, more than a moment, and I know I don’t want this,” he responded.

He had a point, but it was hard for her to concede. Life was that important to her; to her faith. April tried at all costs to preserve it and watching someone lose or even helping them end it was something she couldn’t do. So, she refused to.

Ethan was going to carry out the man’s wishes but eventually April came around but only out of a sense of duty. She hated it. April proceeded to give him the heparin.

Ethan had been listening outside the curtain. He had tried a couple of times to make eye contact with her, but she was closed off. As of late he had noticed she no longer wore her ring. He wanted to ask but he hadn’t just messed up and made a wrong turn in Crushville he had set the whole damn place on fire. Luckily, he knew an ex-fireman.

            “Hey,” Jeff said.

            “Hey,” Ethan said back.

They hadn’t been hanging out or talking too much since their blow-up in the breakroom, but Jeff was ready to make peace. His time spent at Med had let him know that life was short and petty squabbles had no place in it.

            “Noah and I have been studying together a lot,” he stated.

            “Oh, is that right,” Ethan responded.

            “Yeah but we have some stuff that we would still like to ask…you know a doctor,” he admitted; blushing.

            “What time?” Ethan asked.

            “Tonight 8:30, April’s place,” Jeff answered in a hurry before quickly walking off.

…

Most nights when Noah came by he arrived first; then Jeff. Like clockwork there would be one knock and then two. Until tonight when a third knock came at the door.

            “Dr. Choi,” April answered.

She was shocked to see him at the door. He had his hand back in his pocket fidgeting again.

            “Hey, we got the pizza called in, we’re going to pick it up in ten!” Noah called from behind her.

He and Jeff were at her dining room table. Jeff smirked a little at his handy work.

            “Jeff said they needed some help with a few questions…,” Ethan stated sheepishly.

April nodded stiffly and let him in.

Ice-cream cakes could be cut easier than the tension in the room. Ethan sat down and began to read one of the questions out loud and started to explain. Immediately the reasoning hit April and she pointed down into Noah’s text book to nudge him toward the answer.

            “Ugh April you fed him that answer, you got to stop coddling him!” Ethan joked but there was a seriousness under his tone.

            “Coddling?” April questioned him.

Jeff looked over at Noah; his face was beet red like a child with his hand caught in a cookie jar.

            “So, Noah, how about we pick up some beers before we grab the pizza?” Jeff asked.

He knew that April and Ethan had more than enough air to clear between the two of them and this conversation was headed to a place he didn’t want to be. Noah looked up and nodded; happy to get out of the growing disagreement. They stood up and practically raced as casually as possible out of the apartment. The clap of the door allowed Ethan to go in.

            “There’s a great doctor in there, but if you are helping him every step of the way he’ll never get there.”

            “These are study sessions, not tests,” April stated coldly.

            “Noah has a way of getting other people to do his work for him-.” Ethan started.

            “-Look, you’ve been very helpful but,you don’t know much about Noah and you really don’t know much about me,” she said looking away.

She was still angry. Angry about the way he treated her, and the giant unnamed, unexplored bit of history in the room was still sitting between them. April stood up and walked over to her living room and Ethan followed.

            “That’s not true…,” he said; his hands in his pockets fidgeting.

He finally produced what had kept his fingers so busy. What he had been playing with for the last couple of months. He set it down on the coffee table in front of her.

            “I know you.”

It was her earring. The one she left in his bed. April stared at it as the memories of movies, untried food, amateur dancing, and ultimately, the beginning of a deep friendship was sitting in that earring. She still didn’t understand his distance, but he was trying to make amends. This time she avoided his eyes, but if she hadn’t she would’ve seen them pleading for forgiveness; and brimming with affection.

            “About Sumira- the drug mule-…I’m sorry I just couldn’t see any other way,” she admitted.              

            “I know, I didn’t contest it cause deep down I think I knew you were right….and I’m sorry,” he confessed.              

            “It’s fine, I don’t know if there was a right or wrong answer in there anyway,” she said; still looking at the table and avoiding his eyes.              

           “No, I’m sorry about what I said…I didn’t know about the baby,” he acknowledged as sat next to her on the couch.              

           “How would you?” April asked as her anger began simmering to her chest, “When have you been around?” she stated critically as her eyes shot over to him.              

           “I’m sorry for that too,” Ethan apologized nervously.He was ready to tell her the truth.              

           “I don’t understand, did I say something or do something wrong? Because one minute you said I didn’t take up _enough_ room in your life…,” she started as the realization of those words hit her.

But April was almost afraid of what that meant. What she had held deep in the back of her mind and in heart. The reality of what he meant. He remembered those words.              

           “You didn’t…you don’t. But you did in my thoughts,” he admitted.

He had brought his hand up to the side of her face.              

          “April, there’s something I’ve wanted to tell you,” he said as he leaned in closer.

April’s breath was even more nervous. Here had been the cultivation of all those moments; those tiny spaces of time in which her sadness and curiosity had pulled him in. The almost uncontrollable urges he had to taste it. He searched her eyes for it and he believed he’d found it as he lifted her chin and began to push his face forward; his lips.              

          “-April, we got the 312 Ale!” Noah announced loudly as the door opened.

April and Ethan scurried like insects under a light in the dark. Ethan closed his eyes quickly and sharply before standing. Jeff’s eyes went wide and then normalized and the old shit eating grin he saved for Ethan spread across his face,              

          “Well it looks like it’s dinner time, I didn’t throw in on this, text me any other questions you might have and good luck!” Ethan announced as he hastily exited April’s apartment.

April sat on the couch not a hundred percent sure of what just happened. Was he going to? Were they? No, because her life had been derailed and being with someone new was the last thing she needed. She took a quick deep breath in and avoided the prying eyes of Jeff for the rest of the evening.

…

Ethan and April were worse than two awkward teenagers they were like two people walking around in the dark; scared to death to bump into something; into each other.              

          “April about last night-,” Ethan started.              

          “-It was just as much my fault as yours...So let’s just forget about it,” she said quickly.

Ethan’s heart sank; he felt humiliated, but he quickly nodded.              

         “Hey Dr. Choi, you’re coming to my party tonight right?” Noah asked excitedly.

Ethan and April caught each other’s eyes and Noah watched the strange interaction.              

         “I don’t think so man, but congratulations.”

They continued tip-toeing around each other but eventually April had to put a stop to it no matter how weird it was.              

         “Please don’t let what happened keep you from the party…please…come,” she said with a warm smile before walking off.

Ethan didn’t know what to make of it or if he would accept the invitation, but it did help to squash the overt tension.Work went by with a few cases here and there but for the most part none paired in comparison to the giant unwanted, icky feeling Ethan had inside him. He was in the lounge when he noticed Jeff was trying to sneak out.              

          “Hey!”               

          “Caught me,” Jeff acknowledged sheepishly.              

          “At least let me give you a ride,” Ethan offered.

Jeff nodded, and they headed to the parking lot and then to his car. The ride over to O’Hare wasn’t too talkative. Neither of the two were but finally Ethan had to ask.              

         “Why Hawaii? I like Noah, but you could’ve easily beaten him for the residency spot.”              

         “It’s time to move on man,” Jeff began, “I need a fresh start, if I tried to get a residency here I would always be wondering ‘what if’. Not to mention I am sick of snow,” he finished with a laugh.            

          “Yeah I hear you on the fresh start.”              

         “Didn’t go the way you thought with April?” Jeff asked.             

         “You said it, ‘It won’t end well’, I just didn’t listen,” he answered.              

         “Listen, you guys are not me and Natalie. Plus, timing is everything, and you stayed away a long time, she lost a lot, but I could see it between you two. She feels something for you, but it’s up to you to ask, to tell her.”

Silence came back to the car as he drove him to the doors.             

         “Go tonight,” Jeff said, “Fear of ‘what if’ is not a reason to be unhappy.”

He shut the door and Ethan thought about his words. The entire drive home he thought about the fact that he had messed this up once before. He could and would at least be a friend to her. She deserved that, but he had to tell her. He went to his apartment and stared at his closet. Quickly he grabbed a blazer and headed to the pier.

…

The boat party at Kelani’s was an unintended present from Tate. He had rented it for he and April’s engagement party for her work friends. After the dissolution of their relationship he gave the date to Noah, a substantial financial gift, as a graduation present. Tate wasn’t perfect, but he was good man. April was excited to have something to celebrate. It seemed like too much of her time had been spent crying or feeling numb but not tonight; through dancing, laughing, and talking to family and friends she was starting to feel the warmth she gave to others burning inside her again. All the dancing was enough to make her break out in a sweat and the party was just filling with more people, so she stepped away to get some air.              

         “April.”

She heard the familiar voice and turned around. Ethan was walking up over the makeshift bridge to her.              

        “Dr. Choi-,” she started.              

He was closer than he’d been the night before.              

       “Ethan,” he corrected succinctly before pulling her in.

This time she didn’t have to wonder because she knew. Were they? Yes. Was he? Yes. She pressed her lips against his and for the first time she was living in that abandoned moment in history; embracing the unanswered question. He finally knew too, but his question was different and the answer? Coconut, vanilla, and honeydew. That’s what her lips tasted like. Sweet, not a drop of bitterness. Summer.              

       “We should go somewhere and talk,” Ethan said; his forehead pressed against hers.


	11. We Don't Have To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is basically a one-shot. So, this is what happened after they sneak away cause that’s the only way no one would know about their affair. I don’t think April would sleep with Ethan on the first night, but this is fanon and we are all garbage…at least I am lol.

They should’ve been talking but the taste of summer and history had led them to Ethan’s bed. Those warm goose down blankets April had slept in were another source of comfort but not the sleep inducing kind. Shirts were off first then pants but Ethan had to wonder if what they were doing was right; it felt good, but it was quick considering they could barely look each other in the eye not four hours earlier.          

            “We don’t have to do this…if you’re not ready yet,” he offered.

But boy did he want to. He tried his best not to let his eyes wander back down her body. She was the female counterpart to his Adonis. The amount of sculpted muscles and tone parts between the two was envious.

            “Yeah…this is moving fast, you have better restraint than me,” April admitted a little embarrassed.

She hadn’t forgotten the physique from his kitchen that morning and having it pressed against her was more intoxicating than she’d assumed. Ethan stared at her; his eyes pulling hers in.

            “It was hard for me in the beginning...when it was just a crush and you were with Tate. I’d go to work and focus but then I’d catch a glimpse of you walking in and laughing…it was always your smile. Geez, your smile it was like a thread I couldn’t stop pulling at because then I would think about what I could say to make you laugh. I would think about you falling against me or tapping my arm if I told you a joke and that thread would lead me to wonder what it would be like to touch you…hold your hand…Your hands are amazing,” he said as he laced his fingers through hers.

            “I’ve watched them care for so many people and sometimes they look rough...other times soft and smooth. I thought about what it would be like to lace my fingers through yours and run my fingertips over your knuckles….,” he said doing just that.

          “The thread would continue to unravel at your pulse, faint, and fluttering over our connection as it radiated through your wrists and I would think, wow that’s her heart. I wonder if it speeds up when she’s around me. How fast would her heart beat if I kissed her, what do her lips feel like against mine.”

His pointer finger was tracing an outline around her mouth.

          “The thread in my mind at this point would be begging for another tug, but if I kept tugging on it my thoughts would be completely bare…and so would you,” he said finished meeting her gaze.

April pulled the back of his neck in and kissed him. She didn’t need to hear much more. Even if nothing more came from this moment no man had ever said anything like that to her in her entire life. She sat up just enough to unhook her bra. Ethan couldn’t help but stare. The quick flash months ago had been nothing compared to the mahogany mounted breasts she hid under that bra.

She felt his hands; his fingers slid to the heat between her; caressing and exploring each bit of her outer anatomy as his lips kissed the tiny spot between her chin and neck. She pulled his boxer-briefs down to expose him to her.

           “We can stop at any time,” Ethan said trying his best to hold onto his control.

April just smiled devilishly and used her hand to center him into her. She hadn’t been with anyone but Tate for the past year and she would always mentally ready herself for him. But Ethan was not as large in stature or in manhood; but she fit easier with him. There were no collar bones grinding into her nose or a need to hold himself up from crushing her under his weight. There was also no slight anticipation of pain either. Not even a moment. He fit like a puzzle piece.

He let out a groan that was more breath than noise as the heat between her legs consumed him. He had one hand behind her head. They hadn’t stopped kissing as their tongues twirled and danced into each other’s mouths. His pelvis like waves into her; crashing in the right spot with each hit. Each movement rising pleasure throughout April like a puff of smoke out of someone’s mouth quickly sucked back in when he would pull his pelvis away. Her breath followed a similar pattern as he broke away to meet her eyes. She grabbed the back of his butt shortening his ability to pull too far away. The shorten movements pushed his pleasure as his breath grew ragged. April held him there as smoke turned to fire and then an inferno within her.

A whimper that turned into a small laugh of relief as she let the fire consume her. Ethan pushed her hand away quickly to release himself on the bed.

            “I’m not on the TB meds anymore,” April said with a smile as she looked at the small pool underneath her.

            “Well, we didn’t exactly talk about that did we?” he remarked with a light laugh over his high school birth control method.

April blushed; suddenly his phone buzzed but he ignored it. Hers too but she ignored it. Seconds later it started again. Ethan grabbed his from the nightstand and April searched the pockets of her pants.

            “Am I reading this right?!” April exclaimed worriedly.

            “Dr. Charles has been shot,” he announced as he looked up from his screen.


End file.
